


What We Did to Celebrate the Rest of Our Lives

by in_deepest_blue



Category: Good Omens (Radio), Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: (for Nandor and Guillermo), Asexuality Spectrum, But it's only mentioned in passing, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Multi, Nadja may have had a crush on Crowley at one point, Pansexual Vampires, Pre-Slash, Screenplay/Script Format, Sex-Positive Asexuality, Swingers, because the two can't spit it out, especially when Crowley was female-presenting, other Good Omens and WWDitS characters make cameos too, this takes place in an alternate 2020 when there's no pandemic, which is why I checked the F/F tag, which means that the Good Omens lockdown special didn't happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:55:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25862431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_deepest_blue/pseuds/in_deepest_blue
Summary: While in New York for the America leg of Aziraphale and Crowley's honeymoon around the world, Crowley takes Aziraphale to visit some old friends for some catching up — and, of course, to formally introduce his angel husband.Chap. 1: The Staten Island vampires prepare for Aziraphale and Crowley's visit.Chap. 2: Nadja opens up about her long friendship with Crowley, and Laszlo gets the idea to invite Aziraphale and Crowley to an orgy.Chap. 3: Aziraphale and Crowley get deja vu observing Nandor and Guillermo, and Aziraphale can't help but relate to our favorite familiar.Chap. 4: It's not every day that you get a job offer that sounds too good to be true. Aziraphale asks Colin Robinson if he'd like to manage A.Z. Fell and Co.Chap. 5: Crowley isn't the only one with supernatural friends in New York—Lilith invites Aziraphale to drop by her shop for some chit-chat.Chap. 6 (Epilogue): Adam's powers manifest yet again on his 12th birthday, causing Aziraphales and Crowleys from different universes to converge. One Aziraphale–Crowley pair is down to meet the Staten Island vampires for some horny shenanigans.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Comments: 30
Kudos: 48
Collections: Aspec-friendly Good Omens





	1. Vampires are Creatures of God, Too

**INT. COUCH**

NADJA  
Today we have some very special guests coming over: our good friend Crowley and his angel husband. We’ve never met an angel before, so we’re excited but also nervous!

LASZLO  
They just got married, and they’re taking a trip around the world for their honeymoon. We weren’t expecting Crowley to call, asking to meet up because he’s in town. He said he’d finally introduce us to his angel, so here we are now… (gestures) preparing!

_Cut to NANDOR bossing GUILLERMO around and warning COLIN ROBINSON, who is hovering around the two, to behave._

NANDOR  
No creepy paper, Guillermo! Just put up some nice paper; can’t be too sure that the angel won’t smite us if he’s not happy.

_NANDOR notices the camera crew._

NANDOR  
It’s not every day that we get to meet an angel, and Crowley told us over and over again that he’s not one of those pompous fire-and-brimstone types — which is what most angels are. But it’s important to make a good impression!

COLIN ROBINSON  
I’ve never met this Crowley fellow, but everyone else speaks of him highly. He’s a demon, but he’s married to an angel. I wonder if it’d be possible to feed on them. Now that’d be one for the books.

NANDOR  
I heard that, Colin Robinson! Don’t you dare!

_Cut back to NADJA and LASZLO._

NADJA  
 _(animatedly)  
_ I’m so happy for Crowley; about time he married the love of his life. Of course, we got them some wedding gifts!

_NADJA proudly holds up a gift bag._

NADJA  
Guillermo already wrapped everything, so I can’t show you, but we got them some aphrodisiacs and high-end couples’ sex toys: a Magic Wand, a Flexi Wand… they’ll be up all night trying everything in the package!

_Cut to GUILLERMO._

GUILLERMO  
They just told me to buy something that newlywed virgins would like, so I went to the local witches’ coven. They run a sex shop, among other ventures. Lilith and the other witches were very nice and helpful; they picked the gifts for me and threw in some hand-brewed aphrodisiacs. Apparently Lilith knows the angel. I think his name was A.Z.… something? 

_Cut back to NADJA and LASZLO on the couch._

LASZLO  
 _(chuckling)  
_ We figured they’d need these to spice up their sex life, especially if Crowley was a virgin up until they got together. 6000 years without the pleasures of the flesh — how did he manage?! 

NADJA  
Oh, yes. I know a virgin when I smell one. Crowley may be a demon, so I’m not sure he’s got all the same parts as a regular human, but the scent of virgin blood was overpoweringly strong on him.I do hope he and his husband are getting it on just fine! 

LASZLO  
Well, my dear, we can always give them some… ah, advice. And maybe invite them to an orgy, if they’d be so willing.

NADJA  
We can’t just give them unsolicited advice! That’s what these gifts are for. We have to be subtle, my darling. Subtle!

_The doorbell rings._

NADJA  
 _(excitedly)  
_ Oh, there they are!

**EXT. OUTSIDE THE VAMPIRES’ HOUSE — NIGHT**

_Two man-shaped beings — a curly-haired cherubic blond dressed in a cream-colored ensemble that looks like something straight out of the Victorian era, and a short-haired, stylish, shades-wearing redhead dressed in mostly black — make their way to the front door. The blond is AZIRAPHALE, an angel, and the redhead is CROWLEY, a demon._

CROWLEY  
 _(gesticulating)  
_ Of all the people… beings… to run into! Oi Azrael, are you stalking us, mate?

_A disembodied voice speaks. Apparently, this is DEATH, but our camera crew are unable to capture his likeness. (Perhaps it’s for the best.)_

DEATH  
 **THERE ARE ALWAYS SOULS TO COLLECT AT A VAMPIRE’S RESIDENCE. I NORMALLY OUTSOURCE WHEN IT COMES TO VAMPIRE VICTIMS, BUT I WAS IN TOWN. CONGRATULATIONS ON THE WEDDING, BY THE WAY.**

AZIRAPHALE  
That’s very kind of you, Azrael, thank you. Now if you’ll excuse us.

_CROWLEY rings the doorbell. We faintly hear the sound of footsteps enthusiastically making their way downstairs. The door then opens, NADJA practically rushing into Crowley’s arms._

NADJA  
Crowley, old friend! It’s been decades since I last saw you! Come in, come in! Everyone has a lot of catching up to do with you.

CROWLEY  
Hullo Nadja, always a pleasure seeing you.

_CROWLEY breaks off from the embrace, not unkindly, but rather to step back and introduce AZIRAPHALE._

CROWLEY  
 _(trying and failing to hide a blush)  
_ And this is my husband, Aziraphale.

_CROWLEY takes AZIRAPHALE’S hand in his._

AZIRAPHALE  
Hello, pleased to meet you all. I’m Aziraphale, or as the humans call me, A.Z. Fell. Crowley’s told me a bit about all of you, and I hope we’ll all have a jolly good time!

NANDOR  
Well, let’s not waste any more time standing here. _(beckoning)_ Do come in! And don’t mind the camera crew; they’re filming us for a documentary.

AZIRAPHALE  
Gosh, I’m going to be on television again!

**INT. INTERVIEW WITH AZIRAPHALE AND CROWLEY**

_AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY are sitting together in the library._

SUPERIMPOSE:  
 **Aziraphale  
** **Bookseller, A.Z. Fell and Co.  
** **Retired Angel & Guardian of the Eastern Gate**

AZIRAPHALE  
I’ve never had vampire friends before, or any other supernatural beings as friends, for that matter. But Crowley here’s the sociable one; don’t be fooled by his detached facade…

CROWLEY  
 _(embarrassed)  
_ Tell the whole blessed world, why don’t you?

SUPERIMPOSE:  
 **Anthony J. Crowley  
** **Real Househusband of the South Downs  
** **Retired Demon & Serpent of Eden**

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(takes CROWLEY’s hand)  
_ —well, you really are, my dear. You may not have had many human friends in the last few decades, but I’ve come to learn that you’ve befriended supernatural beings here and there over time. 

CROWLEY  
They’re just agents, angel. Y’know, had to have eyes, ears, and more all over the world, because who knew where exactly Armageddon would start...

_The interview is interspersed with scenes of the vampires chatting with CROWLEY warmly and fondly, while welcoming AZIRAPHALE and including him in their very animated conversations._

NADJA  
Crowley, you smell different now! **Finally** , after 6,000 years! Congratulations!

CROWLEY  
 _(awkwardly scratching the back of his head)  
_ Uh… thanks, I guess?

LASZLO  
 _(handing over the gift bag to CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE)  
_ We wanted to congratulate you on your wedding, so we got you some presents. Glad to know you’re no longer a 6,000-year-old virgin, old chap.

_LASZLO pats CROWLEY on the back._

LASZLO  
But we figured it wouldn’t hurt for you two to have some, ah, backup in the bedroom, if you know what I mean...

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(goes from awkward and flustered to appreciative, then suddenly… daringly suggestive)  
_ Thank you, dear fellows! We’d rather not open this rather generous package now, but we certainly will make full use of these toys, won’t we, Crowley?

_One of AZIRAPHALE’s hands reaches behind CROWLEY, landing on his bum._

CROWLEY  
Ngk.

_Back to the interview._

AZIRAPHALE  
Just agents? I think your vampire friends would say otherwise, though...

_Off-camera, a crew member clears their throat. CROWLEY looks relieved, and mouths “thanks, mate.”_

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, where was I? My apologies for going on a tangent! Right; I was talking about vampires. Crowley and I love humanity, warts and all—

_CROWLEY looks like he’s about to interrupt, but just sighs and shakes his head. AZIRAPHALE squeezes CROWLEY’s hand, which he still hasn’t let go of, and gives his husband a fond look._

AZIRAPHALE (continued)  
—but as an angel of the Lord, I love all of God’s creations… including vampires. Yes, even though they prey on humans. I don’t know for sure how they came to be, because Heaven likes to treat supernatural beings that are neither angels nor demons the way families in Victorian literature treated women with mental illnesses: pretend that they don’t exist. And, well, smite them on sight if you spot any when visiting Earth — that one’s not a Victorian literature trope, of course.

CROWLEY  
Doesn’t your lot say that vampires are the result of humans fornicating with demons?

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(sheepishly)  
_ Perhaps. I wasn’t really paying attention. They say that about every being or creature they consider an abomination, though. 

CROWLEY  
 _(shrugs)  
_ Down there, they say vampires are descendants of Nephilim.

AZIRAPHALE  
Anyway, I don’t think we’ll ever know where exactly vampires came from. But my point is that I see them as God’s creations nonetheless. They can’t help but feed on human blood. Human food will kill them — the poor things; they’re really missing out! It wouldn’t be fair for me to punish them for feeding, so I can’t exactly judge vampires and their culture according to human morality and norms. 

CROWLEY  
Yeah, throughout history, there’ve been attempts to create more, ah, sustainable alternatives. Y’know, synthetic blood and all. But all of them worked just as well as turning your pet vegan… which is to say, not at all.

_Interspersed are footage of scientists attempting to create synthetic blood in a laboratory, as well as packages of synthetic blood being distributed to bemused vampires._

AZIRAPHALE  
In conclusion, feeding on humans is just vampiric nature, the way some animals are strictly carnivorous or herbivorous. And Crowley’s vampire friends do seem rather pleasant otherwise. We’d still keep them away from humans we personally know and love, though.

**INT. NADJA’S ROOM**

_CROWLEY is draped on a chair. Clearly, as a snake demon, he has trouble sitting properly like humans do. The NADJA DOLL eyes him curiously._

NADJA DOLL  
Helloooo there, cutie.

CROWLEY is startled.

NADJA  
Don’t mind her, Crowley; that’s just my ghost. I'll explain some other time. _(to the doll)_ He’s an old friend, but don’t push your luck. He’s happily married!

CROWLEY waves and winks at the NADJA DOLL.

CROWLEY  
Yeah, so except for bald guy — never seen him before — I’ve met Nadja, Nandor, and Laszlo at different points in time. But out of the three, I’m closest to Nadja.

NADJA  
We vampires have a complicated relationship with demons. Obviously, we don’t go around befriending angels; we steer clear of them. But we don’t have the best relationship with demons, either. 

_We see a montage of paintings, tapestries, black-and-white film footage, etc. of grotesque demons and demon-human hybrids._

CROWLEY  
You’d think demons would treat vampires better, but they typically don’t consider vampires to be on equal footing. Demons think of vampires as a notch above humans, but still not proper demons. Those that work with vampires tend to push them around like they would an underling.

NADJA  
Some vampires still associate with demons anyway, but Nandor, Laszlo, and I personally make it a point not to. Except Crowley. He’s wonderful. He’s not very demonic, honestly.

CROWLEY  
 _(hisses)  
_ Nadja! You’re just as bad as my angel!

NADJA  
 _(shrugs at Crowley, then faces the camera)  
_ So, I suppose you want to know how we met…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently finished both seasons of the What We Do in the Shadows series, and am very glad that:  
> 1) it remains faithful to the spirit of the movie (and, in many ways, is even better than the movie),  
> 2) it managed to avoid the pitfall of seasonal rot, and  
> 3) it's getting a third season! 
> 
> I tried looking for Good Omens crossovers, since both shows have a similar sense of humor (albeit WWDitS definitely has more black humor), and I'm very much into GO. I found some GO fics written WWDitS-style, but no crossovers, which is a real shame, since there's so much potential there! I figured I'd be the change I want to see in this world, and that's how this fic was born.


	2. I Swell and Burst When I See What We've Become

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nadja opens up about her long friendship with Crowley, and Laszlo gets the idea to invite Aziraphale and Crowley to an orgy. (Mentions of sex, but nothing explicit.)

**INT. INTERVIEW WITH NADJA — NADJA’S ROOM**

NADJA  
When I first met Crowley, she was presenting as a _very_ beautiful woman. It was many, many centuries ago in the English countryside. One night, I was on the way home after a successful hunt for a good meal. I passed through local woods that no human dared step into after sundown.

_Eerie paintings of a dark, ominous-looking forest covered in haze, the only light source being the glowing eyes of unknown creatures._

NADJA (continued)  
Then I saw her: this poor, lovely girl struggling to ride a horse. It kept kicking her off, and she cursed loudly every time. It was a strange sight, but also very funny. At first, I thought this might be my lucky night — two meals in a night, you know?

_Interspersed are paintings, illustrations, etc. of a naked, long-haired redhead on a horse — like Lady Godiva, dignified and poised… which CROWLEY was clearly NOT at the time._

NADJA (continued, voice-over)  
But soon I sensed that she wasn’t a fool lost in the woods. No human would be stupid enough to ride a horse into those woods at night. And yet she wasn’t one of us, either. 

_(wistfully)  
_Oh, but she smelled so much like a virgin! Still, you could tell that her scent was different: it was fragrant, yes, but like a poisonous flower — you could sense that you weren’t meant to drink her blood. 

_Camera: back to NADJA, then widen to reveal CROWLEY sitting next to her. Out of focus, the NADJA DOLL continues eyeing CROWLEY appreciatively._

CROWLEY  
That’s probably because we technically don’t need blood. Never really thought whether my blood has the exact same composition as human blood; that’s something to think about...

NADJA  
Though if she were human, her blood would’ve tasted so good, I’m sure.

CROWLEY  
Being a snake demon, I easily spook most animals without meaning to… though I do get along with the ducks of St. James’ Park. But horses and I have an especially difficult relationship, which was why the invention of the automobile was a go… devilsend?... _stroke of good fortune_. 

Before cars were a thing, my lot would usually send me hell-horses — big, black things — that I could safely ride, but sometimes it took a while for them to look through the paperwork, approve my request, and deploy a hell-horse. Yeah, I know, bureaucracy. Ugh.

_A crude crayon recreation of a hell-horse, as drawn by one ANTHONY J. CROWLEY._

CROWLEY (continued)  
I was leaving town after a successful temptation, and I thought I’d take a shortcut through these woods. It was one of those times when Hell was taking its sweet, sweet time in deploying a hell-horse. This horse and I had already built some rapport, so I thought everything would be fine. But the moment we stepped into the woods, the poor thing was terrified. You think those woods were haunted, Nadja?

NADJA  
_(shrugs)_ Who knows? Until recently, I’d never seen ghosts. 

CROWLEY (continued)  
Hmm, if that area was your hunting ground, maybe it was haunted by your victims? Whatever. I was getting more and more frustrated, when this mysterious pale woman showed up. I’ll never forget her first words: “What are you, stranger?” That’s how I met Nadja.

_We see a painting of NADJA, dressed like a noblewoman._

CROWLEY (continued)  
So I told Nadja what I was — it was obvious that she wasn’t human, anyway, but I could also tell she was neither angel nor demon. She hypnotized the horse for me, which calmed it down enough for me to make it out of the woods. But we kept in touch, and we’ve been good friends ever since. 

_We see a montage of photos of CROWLEY and NADJA in different outfits over the years. In some, CROWLEY is presenting as a man; in others, she is presenting as a woman. And in some others, their presentation is more androgynous, leaning more toward non-binary. CROWLEY’s fashion sense and hairstyles are ever-changing, while NADJA has mostly stuck to the Gothic aristocrat aesthetic._

CROWLEY  
We don’t contact each other as regularly as humans do, which is normal for beings like us… more like once every few decades, maybe? There were times when it was a few times a decade, though.

NADJA  
_(proudly)_ I often gave Crowley love advice! You see, if you spend enough time with him, he — or she, or they, depending on Crowley’s pronouns at the time — is bound to open up about the angel that he was pining for. Oh, the times I was Crowley’s shoulder to cry on...

CROWLEY  
_(no snark or resentment, just playful teasing with a good friend)  
_No offense Nadja, but you were a better listener than an advice-giver. Most of your advice involved getting laid…

NADJA  
_(mock indignance)  
_Well, excuse me! Sex is part and parcel of the vampire lifestyle, so that’s where I was coming from...

_COLIN ROBINSON pops into the room, almost as if he was summoned… or perhaps he was just lurking and listening in all along._

COLIN ROBINSON  
Actually, asexual vampires exist, too, Nadja. The concept is not well-known among older vampires, so I can’t blame you. Asexuality is defined as the lack of sexual attraction, or having a lower sex drive than what societal standards deem regular. 

I once dated a fellow energy vampire who was asexual, but fed on human lust by ghostwriting erotica for a living. On the side, she’s also a prolific smut writer on Archive of Our Own, or “AO3” for short. She lives the dream, doing what she loves, earning money for it, and never having to go hungry...

NADJA  
Colin Robinson, I do not need to know about your love life! Did Nandor not tell you not to feed on our guests?

CROWLEY  
_(not dismissively, unlike how the vampires usually react to COLIN’s info overloading)  
_Cool stuff, mate. Yeah, I also did plenty of lust temptations without actually having to sleep with my targets...

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(facing the camera, stage whisper)  
_That’s strange; I don’t think the energy drain worked on Crowley at all…

NADJA  
Get out, Colin Robinson. Can’t you see we’re catching up here?

_COLIN ROBINSON leaves._

NADJA  
So I was saying, for a vampire like me, I just couldn’t understand Crowley! Laszlo and I love each other very much, even though we also like to argue — sometimes that’s our mental foreplay — but we have what the humans now call an open marriage. We generally don’t mind who each other sleeps with, with, ah… some exceptions. 

CROWLEY  
Yeah, I know virginity is a social construct; the humans made it all up. And maybe it might be stupid to some, but I’d hoped to have my first time with Aziraphale, and for it to be special, you know? _(shrugs)_ Most vampires are very sexual, so I know Nadja was trying to help the best way she knew how, but, eh, fucking around just really wasn’t my thing.

NADJA  
I _did_ teach Crowley how to do masturbation in the female form, though. I do hope it helped, Crowley.

CROWLEY  
I’m not answering that. _(to the camera)_ See, this is what I’m saying; vampires are the epitome of TMI. That’s just how they are; I’m used to it.

NADJA  
It’s almost adorable that for a demon, Crowley was a blushing virgin for most of the time that I knew him. He’s actually not very demonic, is he? _(CROWLEY facepalms in embarrassment.)_

When Gregor was a washerwoman, she was a redhead — in some ways, Crowley reminded me of her. We used to bathe each other, so when Gregor died yet again, I was very upset. I’m sorry, I don’t remember her name at that time, so I’ll just keep calling her Gregor. 

_Sapphic paintings, black-and-white illustrations, etc. of Nadja and a redheaded woman — who isn’t supposed to be Crowley — bathing together._

NADJA (continued)  
So there I was, crying to Crowley. I believe Crowley was also hurt about something her angel said to her at the time. One thing led to another, and we ended up bathing together. It was certainly erotic, but all we did was bathe — no sex of any kind. Crowley said she couldn’t, because she just couldn’t get her angel out of her head, so that was all we did: just bathed.

CROWLEY  
We’ve never had romantic feelings for each other, so I’d chalk that one episode up to a haze of awkward stupidity and lust. We never really brought it up again until now. 

Nadja’s been rooting for Aziraphale and me for so long. For some reason, that’s just how it goes with most beings I become _(CROWLEY hesitates, still trying to pretend he’s very demonic)_ ...friends with. Eve was my first friend, and she offered to be our wingwoman. Nadja also said that if she ever got the chance to meet Aziraphale, she’d tell him to get it on with me already. 

NADJA  
Crowley’s devotion to his angel is truly something else. I think both of them were idiots just dancing around each other. If I didn’t think the angel might have liked Crowley back, I would’ve told Crowley to just pine for someone else. 

_(clasps hands gleefully)_ It’s taken them so long, but after 6,000 years, they’re finally married, so I couldn’t be happier for my good friend! 

_NADJA throws her arms around CROWLEY, who tries to act cool but returns the embrace anyway._

NADJA (continued)  
Oh, and the world almost ended last year, but the more important thing is that Crowley’s finally married and officially not a virgin! You don’t have to tell me the details, Crowley, but I hope your first time was just as special as you’d hoped it would be.

CROWLEY  
Uh. Yeah. Yeah, it was, and more. Sorry we didn’t invite you to the wedding; we held it in daytime so our new human friends could join us.

NADJA  
Don’t worry about it; we probably wouldn’t have been able to make it, anyway. But at least you’re both here! It’s nice to finally meet the angel that you’ve always talked about. 

I want to chat with him — Nandor and Laszlo have been keeping him busy enough. Now come along; I need you to break the ice!

**INT. INTERVIEW WITH LASZLO**

LASZLO  
Now, you might think that my friendship with Crowley goes all the way back, but that’s not the case. Of course I knew him through Nadja, but we didn’t meet until the 1970s, when he went by “Tony.” As you already know, I’ve been starring in pornography since it was invented—

CROWLEY  
Heh, we should send some of your work to ol’ Gabriel up there, so he’ll finally learn what pornography really is.

LASZLO  
—and in the ‘70s, I was asked to star in this porno called _Saturday Night Fucker_. The director wanted to celebrate the sexual revolution, so he wanted to have an orgy that was as wild and over-the-top as possible: lots and lots of men and women. So I was at this disco, trying to scout people, and this redhead really stood out.

_Footage of CROWLEY disco-dancing; the background is trippy and psychedelic, and the music funky and groovy. CROWLEY’s hairstyle and outfit that’s appropriate for the time period: shoulder-length hair parted to one side, sunglasses (naturally!), a thick mustache, an open-collared red shirt that leaves a good deal of his chest exposed, and black bell-bottom pants. It’s a ridiculously charming sight._

LASZLO (continued)  
He was dancing awkwardly, but I’ll give him that, he was trying his best. With a mustache that belonged so perfectly in a porn film, and his very inviting shirt, he was the perfect man… -shaped being… to ask. And his name was Tony, too, like John Travolta’s character! I thought I found the perfect co-star.

CROWLEY  
Never a dull moment with vampires. How many others would proposition anyone this straightforwardly? _(tries to imitate Laszlo’s voice)_ “Well, aren’t you a strapping young thing? How’d you like to star in a porno?” 

LASZLO  
_(chuckles)_ Tony said no, but long story short, that was the start of our friendship. 

CROWLEY  
And a very memorable start that was.

LASZLO  
Eventually I put two and two together, and realized that he was the Crowley that Nadja kept talking about. Small world, and all that.

CROWLEY  
Laszlo’s into music, so we sort of moved in the same circles. Nadja doesn’t like traveling much, especially since stowing coffins away in ships have practically become a thing of the past. But Laszlo? He’d travel for the art. 

LASZLO  
Did I tell you about the time I tried to meet your boss to become a better guitarist?

CROWLEY  
**You did** **_WOT_ ** **?!!!**

LASZLO  
Eh, I got the address all mixed up, so we ended up not meeting. But imagine if we did. Maybe I could’ve been the greatest guitarist of all time.

CROWLEY  
_(facepalms)_ Satan, give me strength. No you wouldn’t, Laszlo; the boss man doesn’t have time to make appointments with randos anymore. Most likely he’d have sent a lesser demon in his place, and they’d grant or reject your wish depending on how they were feeling at the time.

LASZLO  
_(a bit crestfallen)_ Oh. _(sudden moment of realization)_ Any chance your boss would’ve sent you?

CROWLEY  
Yeah, but that’s not usually how my miracles work. You want someone to inspire you — not automatically make you — to become a better guitarist? That’s more of Aziraphale’s department.

 _(to the camera)_ Like I said, Laszlo would do anything for music. His knowledge of modern music is spotty, though — you’d be surprised that he knew some obscure indie song, only to learn that he didn’t know popular ones like “Kokomo”... or even “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

LASZLO  
Hey! I _do_ know some of the new faces in the music scene. Younger vampires are so reckless these days — singing “Let’s go crazy, crazy, crazy ‘til we see the sun?”, really?

CROWLEY  
Okay, so he knows One Direction; that’s new. The Bentley and I _did_ make sure Laszlo knew Queen; you hang out with me enough, and you’re bound to know at least one Queen song.

_A montage of photos and videos of CROWLEY and LASZLO hanging out with QUEEN backstage._

LASZLO  
Did you know that Crowley and I wrote a song together? It became a smash hit in a small town in Iceland!

CROWLEY  
Yeah, that was back in the ‘80s. We were both wasted; I was drunk, and Laszlo had fed on a very drunk human shortly before we met up. So we wrote this silly song called “JaJa Ding Dong.” It’s dedicated to—

_LASZLO and CROWLEY speak at the same time._

LASZLO  
—my beloved Nadja.

CROWLEY  
—my angel.

LASZLO  
In short, it’s a tribute to the loves of our lives.

**INT. VAMPIRE RESIDENCE — LIVING ROOM**

_Cut to LASZLO playing “JaJa Ding Dong.” NADJA pretends to look unimpressed, but smiles when she thinks no one’s looking. AZIRAPHALE shoots CROWLEY a look._

AZIRAPHALE  
“I want to spill my love on you all day, all day”... “My love for you is growing wide and long”? Really, dear boy, you think this was subtle? Let me remind you that I’m no innocent flower; I picked up the innuendo right away!

CROWLEY  
You don’t like the song?

AZIRAPHALE  
Well, it’s be-bop, but you wrote it for me, and I must admit, it’s quite catchy. I’m just saying, don’t think the innuendo flew over my head.

CROWLEY  
Yeah, I might’ve been horny when I wrote those... or Laszlo wrote 'em, I dunno.

**INT. INTERVIEW WITH LASZLO**

LASZLO  
Crowley and I last saw each other only a few decades ago, so it hasn’t been very long. But I must say that it’s been good reconnecting with him and meeting his husband. I like Aziraphale already. We’re into different forms of art — he appreciates the written word more than anything, but he is a man-shaped being of culture, like me. 

_Footage of LASZLO showing AZIRAPHALE around his topiary garden. AZIRAPHALE compliments the designs, and LASZLO offers to make AZIRAPHALE matching hedge sculptures of his and CROWLEY’s genitals as a wedding gift. AZIRAPHALE is confused, so he just says that it’s very gracious of LASZLO to offer._

_Back to the interview._

LASZLO  
We are very lucky to have a demon, and now an angel, as our friends. But if they are amenable, I’m hoping to know them in, ah… another sense. Perhaps we can start from there, and if all goes well, we can have them as our guests when we attend the next Bi-Annual Vampire Orgy. 

Maybe we can even reclaim our honor and host the orgy after that. With an angel and a demon as our guests of honor, our vampire guests will have something to talk about for a long, long time… and we might even make history!

**INT. INTERVIEW WITH AZIRAPHALE & CROWLEY **

AZIRAPHALE  
Laszlo invited Crowley and me to an orgy with himself and Nadja. This is a gesture of friendship and goodwill in vampire culture, so we were extremely grateful and honored. But Crowley and I respectfully declined. 

The nice young folks who come to my bookshop just to look around told me about the asexuality spectrum. It was very enlightening, learning about these terms that weren’t around before.I am very happy to know that there is a broader range of orientations for people to identify themselves. 

_A montage of photos of AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY with their so-called “bookshop kids.” These are teens and young adults, many of whom are LGBTQIA and/or stigmatized by their families and/or peers, who regard AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY as their adoptive dads. In most photos, AZIRAPHALE and the bookshop kids are grinning wildly, while CROWLEY is frowning or putting on his best poker face — he has an image to maintain._

_Some of the photos are selfies, while some have filters and special photo-editing-app effects — one printout has a scowling CROWLEY with a dog filter, and “Mr. Crowley is lit lol <3 =)” scribbled in permanent marker._

_Back to the scene of the interview._

AZIRAPHALE (continued)  
Well, while our sex life is rather… ah, robust, Crowley and I believe that we’re definitely on the asexuality spectrum. _(takes Crowley’s hand fondly)_

CROWLEY  
_(blushes at the touch)_ Yeah, we’re not quite sure which we are: demisexual, gray-ace, or sex-positive ace. But maybe we don’t have to decide on a label just yet, or at all. 

AZIRAPHALE  
I do like to tease my husband about how he’s practically hoarded all the genders, so I wouldn’t put it past him to hoard all the labels for sexual orientations as well. But I digress. What we do know for sure is that the only being in the entire universe that we could ever imagine having sleeping with has always been each other.

CROWLEY  
My husband here’s had his share of crushes here and there, and by Someone, his erotica collection is _massive_ — you wouldn’t have thought he was, like me, a virgin — but he said he’d never felt sexual attraction for anyone else but me. 

_(looking embarrassed and slightly flustered)_ And as for me? Aziraphale had my heart, my soul, — wait, do I have one? — my _everything_ the moment he gave his flaming sword away at Eden.

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, there you go again, love, being all s…

CROWLEY  
_(hisses non-threateningly)  
_...And there _you_ go again, angel; I thought we established that I’m none of those four-letter words like “soft” or whatever!

AZIRAPHALE  
I was going to say “sweet,” dear boy, which is five letters.

CROWLEY  
_(blushes even more)_ More like soppy, is what it is. I’m getting soppy, and it’s all because of you. _(mock-growling)_ That’s it, I’m also banning you from using adjectives that start with “s.”

AZIRAPHALE  
Well, that would be a real shame, love, because “sexy” is a four-letter word that starts with “s”... 

CROWLEY  
_(rolls his eyes)_ Oh, come here, you.

_CROWLEY pulls AZIRAPHALE in for a kiss that quickly turns rather passionate. The two are soon lost in their own world, oblivious to the vampires around._

_NADJA enthusiastically gestures to the camera, mouthing “So sweet!” COLIN ROBINSON looks like he’s about to clear his throat._

NANDOR  
I do not really understand what Crowley and Aziraphale speak of, but if Crowley and Aziraphale are happy, then I too am happy for them. And if I ever meet an “ace sexual” vampire, of course I would treat them respectfully instead of seeing their lack of interest in sex as a defect.

_NADJA nods in agreement._

COLIN ROBINSON  
I literally just explained asexuality to Nadja earlier…

_As usual, COLIN ROBINSON is ignored._

NANDOR (continued)  
For the last few centuries, I have not been as interested in sex as these perverts _(gestures to Nadja and Laszlo)_. Of course, it is still something I enjoy, but gone are the days when I had harems and sex parties that went on for weeks. So, although I am not “ace sexual,” I think I understand...

LASZLO   
So much for getting those two to guest at the Bi-Annual Vampire Orgy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nandor, Guillermo, and Colin don't appear much here, but fear not: the next chapter will focus on Nandor and Guillermo, while the spotlight will be on Colin in the chapter after that. Finally, Chapter 5 will be a bonus.
> 
> Aziraphale's still getting to know the vampires. He's only known them through Crowley, and his demon husband is the one with history with them, so Crowley did more talking than his husband in this chapter, but Aziraphale will have more interaction with the vampires in future chapters!
> 
> "JaJa Ding Dong" is an actual song, by the way — it's from the Netflix comedy film _Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga_! In-universe, it's apparently a local favorite in the protagonists' hometown. If you want a good laugh, give the song a listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlBUH8zMZng
> 
> Lastly, about being on the ace spectrum, I'm writing from experience here — I'm not sure if it's possible to be both demi and ace, and I'm confused because some say that demisexuality is basically gray asexuality, while others say that because demisexuality and asexuality are similar but ultimately different, demisexuality isn't on the ace spectrum. I think I may be both, but I'm not 100% sure; the only thing I'm definitely certain about is that I'm ace.


	3. Love Like Yours Will Surely Come My Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Crowley get deja vu observing Nandor and Guillermo, and Aziraphale can't help but relate to our favorite familiar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the month-long delay; things got a bit busy, but assuming nothing goes wrong (fingers crossed), you can expect Chapter 4, which focuses on our favorite energy vampire, next week!

**INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR, WITH BACKUP FROM CROWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE**

NANDOR  
Remember when I said that two out of my 37 wives didn’t love me? One of them was… Crowley.

_We see a painting entitled “The Thirty-Seven Loves of Nandor the Relentless.” If you look closely, one of the wives is an elusive, red-headed woman who looks like she’s trying not to make her presence stand out. Historians have said that this is not off the mark for women of that time period, given how society was largely patriarchal, but we understand now that this was merely CROWLEY not wanting to have to explain this assignment to AZIRAPHALE._

NANDOR (voice-over)  
She went by a different name at the time. She was incredibly beautiful and clever, so it’s hard to forget her. In private, she had such a fiery, snarky personality, and she got along with some of my wives. But in public, she was so shy! She always did her best to blend in the background and keep her head down. 

The scribes and recordkeepers thought it was because she was a devoted wife. They praised her for being the epitome of devotion, but then they were like, “Wait, what was her name again? Nah, not important.” You know how things were back then. They essentially erased her from the narrative—

CROWLEY  
Is that a Hamilton reference?

AZIRAPHALE  
Shush now, dear boy, don’t interrupt him.

NANDOR  
—well, yes, Guillermo showed me some Hamilton clips; maybe someday they’ll make a musical about me, too. Anyway, Crowley didn’t take it badly; she said it’d be less complicated that way. The fewer records there are of an immortal being, the less likely it is that people will piece things together. 

But today, we don’t care about that. Since Crowley agreed to be in this documentary, I am putting her back in the narrative.

_Montage of black-and-white and full-color paintings, illustrations in ancient tomes, and more depicting NANDOR the Relentless: conquering towns and entire kingdoms in battle, bloody scenes from the battlefield, tender moments with his wives, and more._

CROWLEY

Oh yeah, I had orders from Down Below to do something about Nandor. The pillaging and conquering? Nandor and the other humans came up with that shit all on their own. Nandor’s reputation was precisely what got him on Hell’s radar. My lot had it bad for his soul back then. 

He was pretty much going to end up there anyway, but they wanted to make extra sure. Hastur got paranoid and thought that one of Nandor’s many wives might lead him toward the path of righteousness. So they told me to worm my way into Nandor’s life, maybe make some trouble, make sure none of the wives would change him for the better, yada yada. 

_Some paintings of NANDOR’s wives, the mysterious red-headed thirty-seventh one usually hiding in the background, as if she were an ancient photobomber._

CROWLEY (continued)  
Honestly? I wasn’t really sure how to stir the pot even further. Nandor had pretty much done everything in the evil overlord playbook, though to give him credit, unlike most evil overlords, he drinks his “respect women” juice. 

So on my end, it was mostly making sure none of the wives were heavenly agents trying to exert angelic influence. Ah, and minor mischief… mainly stuff like skipping every single orgy and draining his funds by getting him to lavish his wealth on me. 

I think we really did build some rapport — not that I ever condoned any of the conquering, but Nandor was fun to talk to. He had a nice side too; he was like, “Oh, you won’t sleep with me? You’re an odd one, but I like talking to you, so I’m not kicking you out of the official consort list, don’t worry.” Still, a job was a job, and Nandor was, well, notorious at the time, so… I didn’t feel too guilty about, essentially, being one of the world’s oldest catfish. _(shrugs)_

I… accidentally made some of the other wives jealous. I swear I didn’t mean it! I don’t really feel good about pitting women against one another. I _did_ become BFFs with some of them, though. But before I could even plan the next step in this frankly ridiculous mission from Hell, the next thing I knew, Nandor was turned into a vampire. 

_(AZIRAPHALE gives his husband a look.)_

CROWLEY  
Hey, that wasn’t me, angel! As one of many wives, it’s not like I could keep tabs on Nandor 24/7; ‘sides, Hell mostly wanted me to keep tabs on the wives. 

_Black-and-white illustrations of NANDOR exhibiting vampiric qualities._

CROWLEY  
I alerted the wives right away. I said, “He’s become a bloodsucking monster! We must leave!” The other one who wasn’t so into him left right away. But the ones who were jealous of me were like, “Nice try, but you’re not displacing us just so you can become Nandor’s number-one consort.” Eventually, one by one, they sensed something was up, and left.

I was the last wife standing, so I was also preparing to make my exit. There I was, trying to come up with a cover story, when Nandor cut to the chase with, “Who are you… or rather, what are you?” 

The jig was up, so I explained myself. Nandor didn’t take being catfished badly at all; he was pretty much, “Oh. That explains a lot.” And just like that, we went our separate ways. No hard feelings. I haven’t seen Nandor since Al Quolanudar’s existence, but Nadja told me in one of her letters that she’s roommates with him. I was like, “Oh. Small world.” 

AZIRAPHALE  
This was before our Arrangement officially started, but ironically, Crowley ended up doing my job for me. Of course I’d heard of Nandor the Relentless; back then, who wouldn’t have? But my former side wasn’t too interested in his case. Sure, they would’ve liked it if Nandor were thwarted, but at the time, they wanted me to focus on more pressing assignments. 

I remember Gabriel telling me, “Mark my words, he will become inconsequential in no time; he will be reduced to a mere small fry in the big pond that is human history.”

NANDOR  
I resent that!

AZIRAPHALE  
Apologies; I don’t mean to offend — those were my superior’s words, not mine! As I was saying, one day, my superiors suddenly informed me that Nandor’s days of pillaging had to come to an end. I’d never even met Nandor, yet I got a commendation for initiative and proactivity. And now, it turns out that he never actually passed on.

CROWLEY  
 _(shrugs)_ Guess our former sides kinda reached a stalemate there, since Nandor’s conquests were put to rest, but Hell couldn’t stake a claim on Nandor’s soul, because, y’know.

_(to NANDOR)  
_ But yeah, better watch your back because Hell’s prolly still itching to stake that claim on you. Don’t get yourself decapitated or whatever.

AZIRAPHALE  
Decapitation is more for killing zombies, dear. Perhaps you meant that Nandor here shouldn’t get a stake driven through his heart.

CROWLEY  
 _(to the camera)_ How does he even know about zombie lore? He doesn’t watch movies unless it’s with me, let alone zombie movies! Whatever. 

_(to NANDOR)_ Now, don’t get reckless, Nandor.

NANDOR  
Well, excuse me! I may no longer be a warrior, but never forget that I was once one. As a vampire, I set foot in church, and today, here I still stand!

CROWLEY  
 _(facepalms)_ For someone’s sake… Nandor, you’re still an absolute madlad. So what possessed you to enter a church? Please don’t tell me you just wanted to brag about having a brush with danger...

NANDOR  
I’m not _that_ much of a fool! I wanted to say goodbye to my last descendant on this island. I stayed there as long as I could, even though I was starting to burn up. Laszlo, Nadja, and Colin Robinson could never! 

CROWLEY  
Oh. Well, that’s rather sweet, actually. We all do stupid things for the ones we love, though I’ve never stayed in a church long enough to start self-combusting. Take it from personal experience: next time you have to enter a church — and it better be for a good reason, Nandor; not just ‘cause you’re feeling lucky — just dance around on tiptoe.

AZIRAPHALE  
Or, you could get your familiar to carry you. He does seem up for it. I do regret not doing that for Crowley back in 1941...

NANDOR  
 _(coughs uncomfortably)_ Let’s not talk about Guillermo, please. Change of topic! Just so you know, Crowley, we had a run-in with one of your people! Bloody Mary thought she could curse us like that, but we lived to tell the tale! _(grins triumphantly)_

CROWLEY  
How recently was this?

NANDOR  
Just this year. We — well, just Colin Robinson and I — now have emails, Crowley! You don’t need to write letters or call us anymore; you can just email me.

_Insert a clip of GUILLERMO._

GUILLERMO  
Unless you can afford to wait 10 years for a reply, I wouldn’t consider emailing Nandor...

_Back to the interview._

CROWLEY  
 _(sounding like he needs a drink)_ I _cannot_ believe you fell for a _bloody_ Bloody Mary email in fuckin’ 2020! What, was it the Arianna story?

NANDOR  
Yes, it was a tragedy; that poor girl...

CROWLEY  
Bloody Mary was my intern. You gotta give her credit; her legend managed to endure for decades. But sometime in the 2000s, her performance review didn’t go so well, so she took a creative writing workshop. That’s how she came up with that Arianna chain letter.

Mary never actually had to do much in-person scaring; just thriving off people’s annoyance and fear is enough for her. She took what I told her about efficiency to heart. She finds it too much trouble to travel to random mirrors. Mary, if you’re watching, good job — this sucker here _(gestures toward NANDOR)_ fell for it!

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(shakes head)_ I must say, it’s a surprise to know that Nandor the Relentless lives on as a vampire, but it’s even more astonishing that he’s a ghost of his former self. Certainly, the Nandor that I’d heard of centuries ago was very… different.

CROWLEY  
What’d I tell you, angel? Vampires are like children, but hornier. 

_(stage whisper, to camera)_ Nandor’s just lucky he has Guillermo to look out for his ass.

**INT. INTERVIEW WITH CROWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE**

CROWLEY  
Have you ever seen a pair of idiots and gone, “Hey, that looks familiar?” Because that’s how we’ve been feeling, observing Nandor and Guillermo this whole time.

AZIRAPHALE  
It’s almost like seeing a mirror image of our relationship, although, of course, it’s not entirely the same. Now that we’re the ones on the outside looking in, I think I understand what it’s like being in Miss Device’s and Madame Tracy’s shoes.

_We see a clip of NANDOR and GUILLERMO talking in private._

NANDOR  
Guillermo, thanks for baking Aziraphale and Crowley a cake. I know you don’t take orders from Nadja anymore, but I’m sure you understand that these are no ordinary guests. Besides, it looks like the angel loved the cake. 

_He thrusts a clumsily wrapped present into GUILLERMO’s hands._

So, uh…, I got you a waistcoat. _(slightly flustered)_ But it’s not a reward or anything! Okay, fine, maybe it is. But mainly it’s so you can improve your vampire “cost play”... and maybe find us some virgins at the next cost play convention.

_A blush is starting to spread on GUILLERMO’s cheeks, but he convincingly manages to remain calm._

GUILLERMO  
It’s “cosplay,” not “cost play.” But, er… thanks, Master. I’m sure it’ll look nice on me. You mind if I open it?

_AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY walk by, accidentally overhearing the conversation. They exchange looks._

AZIRAPHALE  
Are you thinking what I’m thinking…?

CROWLEY  
 _(nods, then cringes)_...don’t say it, angel. 

_Back to the interview._

AZIRAPHALE  
Guillermo is a fine young man. He’s intelligent and resourceful — and it’s a shame that the vampires don’t see, let alone appreciate, this side of him.

_Footage of AZIRAPHALE trying to make small talk with GUILLERMO._

AZIRAPHALE  
I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced, but I heard Nandor call you Guillermo. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Aziraphale. _(offers GUILLERMO a handshake)_

Nandor tells me that you’re the one who baked the cake for us. Thank you; it was scrumptious. I’ve been taking up baking lately, but I don’t think I’m very good at it yet...

GUILLERMO  
 _(looking a bit wary)_ Uh… hi, Aziraphale. You’re right; my name’s Guillermo. 

_(reluctantly takes AZIRAPHALE’s hand and shakes it)_ I’m glad you liked the cake.

_We see a montage of AZIRAPHALE and GUILLERMO chatting, GUILLERMO showing AZIRAPHALE some cake recipes and tutorials on YouTube, and more. Most of the footage is without audio, but we hear a few snippets of their conversations. In one of them, GUILLERMO is telling AZIRAPHALE how his interest in vampires came to be._

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(enthusiastic and hopeful)_ When you say you’ve been a fan of all things vampire-related since childhood, does that include literature?

GUILLERMO  
Of course! _Dracula_ , _Carmilla_ , The Vampire Chronicles… I’ve read a lot!

_In another, GUILLERMO, clearly more comfortable with the angel-and-demon couple now, is explaining to AZIRAPHALE, as CROWLEY nods and looks on, why he became a familiar._

GUILLERMO  
...so you see, maybe I might’ve been a supervisor at Panera Bread by now if I’d kept at it, but this job keeps me fulfilled and on my toes. It’s always an adventure, being a familiar, even if it means bailing your master out of the stupidest situations at times. And I’d rather be cleaning up Nandor’s messes than dealing with Karens...

_Back to the interview, although CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE are mainly musing to themselves than to the camera._

CROWLEY  
Admit it, angel, you kinda see yourself in Guillermo, don’t you?

AZIRAPHALE  
Perhaps I do.

CROWLEY  
...I kinda see myself in him, too, ‘specially when he said that the heart wants what it wants. The pining? I’ve been there. But mostly, he reminds me of you.

AZIRAPHALE  
Funny, isn’t it? Nandor tries so hard to come off as aloof and the majestic conqueror he once was, which makes me think of you. But the way he gets defensive when Guillermo is brought up? It’s really like seeing my reflection in the mirror!

CROWLEY  
Yeah… glad the two of us can laugh this off now, but… remember “I don’t even like you!”?

**INT. GUILLERMO’S ROOM**

GUILLERMO  
At first, I wasn’t exactly thrilled when Nadja said that Aziraphale and Crowley would be coming over. I thought, “Oh, great, more pompous supernatural beings to make my job harder than it already is.” Nadja said that they’re the first angel-demon union in all of history, and that she’d never met the angel. So Laszlo concluded that we should tread lightly and not take any chances. 

Laszlo really put the fear of Aziraphale in us; we were legit worried that one wrong move, and he might smite us. I mean, yeah, the vampires all spoke highly of Crowley, and they’d hoped anyone Crowley married was likely to be their friend too, but you never know; some beings have terrible taste in partners…

...and, um, being raised Catholic, I’ll admit, I was worried that the angel might send me straight to Hell for, I dunno, fraternizing with vampires, or something. 

Then we finally saw what he looked like, but you never know; maybe he was just disarming us with his cheerful smile. Took me a while to let my guard down.

_Flashback to AZIRAPHALE chancing upon GUILLERMO watering the topiary garden — the first opportunity for them to get some one-on-one time. GUILLERMO has his back turned to AZIRAPHALE._

AZIRAPHALE  
Hello, Guillermo! May I help you with anything?

_GUILLERMO gives a startled yelp._

GUILLERMO  
 _(hastily makes the sign of the cross)_ Ay, dios mio!

AZIRAPHALE  
Be not afraid! It’s just me, Aziraphale.

_Back to the interview._

GUILLERMO  
...so our first one-on-one conversation went okay; it was a huge relief to know that Aziraphale’s really just that nice. He took the time to get to know me, just like he did with the vampires — no condescension. 

See, vampires pushing familiars around is typical, but some younger vampires have been trying to be nicer to their and other vampires’ familiars, except they just end up being unintentionally patronizing, like they’re talking down to a kid or a pet. It’s cringey, I tell you. You’d think that, since they’ve only been vampires for a few years or decades, they shouldn’t have forgotten what it’s like to be human, but noooo. _(rolls eyes)_ Thank goodness Aziraphale wasn’t like that at all! Crowley’s mostly quiet — kinda like Nandor in that sense — but he’s okay, too.

Aziraphale and Crowley are, like, _soooo_ married. They’re almost _that_ annoying couple that’s so stupidly in love. Except, once you find out what they’ve gone through and how long it took for them to get to where they are now, you just can’t help but root for them… and _(sighs wistfully)_ hope that love like that isn’t dead.

**INT. NANDOR’S ROOM**

_NANDOR is chilling in his crypt when he hears a knock on the door. It’s CROWLEY._

NANDOR  
Is that you, Crowley, old friend? Come on in!

_CROWLEY saunters his way in, and makes himself comfortable in no time._

CROWLEY  
Heeey, Nandor. Been a while since we talked one-on-one like this, huh?

NANDOR  
So, your angel husband didn’t take it badly that we were fake-married back then, I hope?

CROWLEY  
 _(laughs and waves NANDOR off)_ Satan’s bollocks, not at all! We’ve had to do all sorts of shit for missions, and fake marriages came with the territory. My angel’s had his share of those, too. But I had more catfishing assignments than he ever had, and... I dunno, I just didn't really want Aziraphale seeing my catfishing stints immortalized in paintings and suchlike.

But no, no lasting, deep-seated jealousy; it’s practically — dare I say it — ineffable, but, believe it or not, we never fell in love with any of our marks! As far as he and I are concerned, the only actual, binding marriage we’ve ever had is to each other.

NANDOR  
Oh, good, good. I am happy that you’re happy. You’ve found love.

CROWLEY  
It’s only ever been him, all this time, so it’s really more like we’re finally on the same page and sharing one love now. But enough about me — what about you, Nandor? 

You were a right old asshole in the battlefield, yeah, but I recall that you _did_ have a sensitive side. Life treatin’ you well? You still gettin’ lots of sex? You were insatiable back then — I never joined your orgies, but you lot were so loud, you sometimes kept me up at night! If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have thought it was your way of getting back at me for skipping sexytimes...

NANDOR  
I’ve seen and done it all, so I’ve mellowed down, Crowley. Nowadays I’m mostly just a tired old vampire; I don’t have as much horny energy as Nadja and Laszlo. I no longer attend vampire orgies from start to end these days.

Ah, but even though my libido’s gone down, for the most part, I still try to keep myself young! Aside from adopting a 10-step vampire skincare routine, I make it a point to have Guillermo keep me updated on the latest trends. I don’t get or remember everything he shows me, but I know bits and pieces, thanks to him.

CROWLEY  
Yeah, you and me both. I also like keeping up with the times, though my husband’s tastes are more, ah… steadfast. It’s adorable sometimes, hearing him mispronounce brand names and such — but don’t tell him I said that. But really, though, Nandor, you’re doing okay here? Not, er, lonely?

NANDOR  
 _(ponders for a few moments)_ Now that you mention it, I feel like a third wheel to those two kinky perverts at times, and I can’t really relate to Colin Robinson… you do know why we don’t talk to him much, don’t you? But!!! Guillermo keeps me company. 

I mean, just as a familiar, of course, but the point is… the point is… I _do_ have people to talk to! And sometimes us vampires huddle together and do group hugs — no Guillermo, why would he be included; sometimes we exclude Colin Robinson, too — so why would I be lonely here?

CROWLEY  
Oh, do tell me more, Nandor.

_NANDOR and CROWLEY continue talking, though we do not hear what they’re saying. Pan out as the two chat away._

**INT. GUILLERMO’S ROOM**

GUILLERMO  
 _(to the camera)_ So I’ve now been adopted by Aziraphale and Crowley. It’s totally unexpected, but also an honor. How many other people have an angel and a demon for adoptive dads? They’re like those really fussy _tias_ that constantly worry about and dote on you. Yes, _tias_ , not _tios_.

_Widen to reveal AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY squeezed into GUILLERMO’s tiny room._

AZIRAPHALE  
Thank you for trusting us enough to open up to us, Guillermo. I’m relieved to know that your desire to become a vampire is based on informed decisions.

CROWLEY  
 _(awkwardly tries to reassure Guillermo)_ I’ve been there, my dude. Don’t take my word for it 100%; I can’t really speak for Nandor, but I _think_ he might like you too. Y’know, er, that way. Just… just give him time. Yeah, a lot of vampires do string their familiars along because they’re too lazy to look for a new familiar, but a rare few do intend to uphold their end of the bargain. But even they tend to lose track of time.

AZIRAPHALE  
I suppose it’s just how it is with us immortal beings. Sometimes it doesn’t occur to us that meeting a friend for the first time in six months isn’t too soon. Those 10 years you’ve spent with Nandor might’ve been mere minutes or hours for him, though I can sense that he’s treasured much of it. I’m an angel; I can sense love. I’m not quite sure what kind of love it is, but… I certainly feel some flashes of love.

GUILLERMO  
Thanks, guys; I really appreciate the reassurance. But I’m okay, really! It’s not like I pine for Nandor 24/7… _(chuckles, then has an epiphany)_ Wait a second… you guys might kinda be projecting onto me…?

_CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE exchange puzzled looks._

CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE _(simultaneously)_  
...Are we?

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, Someone, I hope not.

_Awkward silence._

AZIRAPHALE  
...ahem. Regardless, Guillermo, I mean it when I say that I’m pleased to have met you, so here’s a blessing from me: that whatever happens, in love or in your work as a familiar, you’ll be all right. I’ve blessed your mother as well. If you do become a vampire, I’m sure you’d want her to be all right, too. 

_GUILLERMO closes his eyes and feels a wave of calmness and serenity wash over him, which he takes in. Astonished but appreciative, he then opens his eyes._

GUILLERMO  
Wow… that’s very kind of you, Aziraphale. Thank you; this means so much to me.

AZIRAPHALE  
I’m just not sure whether I should bless Nandor — I don’t think I should; he might combust. Whenever I wanted to wish Crowley well, instead of blessing him, I’d pray to Her instead. I’d like to think She listened.

CROWLEY  
Mmm, I don’t think demonic miracles work like blessings, so I’d best not risk it. All I have to say is, good luck.

_Without knocking, NANDOR bursts into GUILLERMO’s room._

NANDOR  
Guillermo! You promised we’d marathon the Netflix again. Well, tonight’s the night — I’m bored!

_(is shocked to see AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY)_ What are you two doing here?

_CROWLEY’s eyebrows shoot up and do a little suggestive wiggle._

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(playing up the innocence factor; totally not suspicious at all)_ Nothing, we were just having a little heart-to-heart talk with Guillermo here…

CROWLEY  
But don’t let us interrupt your little Netflix-and-chill session…

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(grabs CROWLEY’s arm, making motions to leave)_ Yes, come along now, dear, let’s leave them to enjoy the Netflix.

CROWLEY  
“The Netflix!” Really, you and Nandor are hopeless…

GUILLERMO  
Oh no, it’s really not what you think; I’ve just been introducing Nandor to online streaming. We’re literally just watching Netflix and chilling; he really enjoyed _Aggretsuko_...

NANDOR  
 _(defensively)_ That’s right! Guillermo is just my f… fuh… fruh…

_Despite being about to give NANDOR and GUILLERMO some privacy, CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE stand by and watch, wondering if they’ll be witnessing a relationship upgrade or, at least, a very important confession unfold right before their eyes._

CROWLEY  
Go on, Nandor. Say it!

_NANDOR continues stammering for a while, until he finally spits it out._

NANDOR  
...favoritefamiliarofalltheonesivehadokay? 

_CROWLEY facepalms, and so does AZIRAPHALE. CROWLEY looks like he’s about to tease NANDOR along the lines of “Sorry, what was that? Didn’t quite hear you there!” but AZIRAPHALE stops him with a look. A moment of silence passes._

GUILLERMO  
...well. That’s the first time Nandor’s ever said that, so, uh, that’s still something.

NANDOR  
You know what? This is embarrassing. _(waves hand at the camera)_ You will forget that this episode ever happened — no, Crowley, trust me, I know what I’m doing; I won’t give the crew brain scramblies!


	4. An Arrangement Too Good to Refuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not every day that you get a job offer that sounds too good to be true. Aziraphale asks Colin Robinson if he'd like to manage A.Z. Fell and Co.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, and thank you to everyone who's subscribed to this fic, whether it's from the beginning or just recently! I haven't caught up with the comments yet — not that I get a deluge of them, but work and life have been intermittently hectic. Ideally I would've been writing a chapter a week, but that obviously didn't happen. I shall try to work on another chapter this week — fingers crossed it will be ready by next week! Also, I've added another chapter — previously, I was only planning to have five for this fic.

**INT. FANCY ROOM — NIGHT**

_AZIRAPHALE, CROWLEY, NANDOR, GUILLERMO, NADJA, and LASZLO are all gathered in the fancy room for a house meeting._

LASZLO  
It’s not like Colin Robinson to call for a house meeting. Nandor, you’re fine with him holding it in the fancy room?

NANDOR  
It’s better than holding it in his basement room. It’s too small for all of us to squeeze in there, and it would be rude to our guests here.

NADJA  
This better be important! If this is just another bloody excuse for Colin Robinson to drain us…

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(off-camera)_ Ahem.

_Everyone already in the fancy room turns their head to the doorway to see COLIN ROBINSON._

COLIN ROBINSON  
You’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered all of you here tonight, including Gizmo and our guests here. Well, for once, I’ll make this short and sweet, so that I can leave you to go about your night…

NANDOR  
Yes, yes, just get on with it, Colin Robinson.

COLIN ROBINSON  
Like I said, I _was_ planning to keep this short! Aziraphale here has kindly offered me a very promising job offer — to manage his bookshop in London!

_Collective gasps from the three other vampires and GUILLERMO, as the camera shows a succession of closeups of each of their faces. NADJA covers her mouth with her hands in shock, LASZLO’s jaw practically drops, while NANDOR is trying to say something, but barely has the words. GUILLERMO, while just as shocked, is calmer about it. The camera then moves to show AZIRAPHALE looking sheepish and CROWLEY shrugging._

NANDOR  
_(breaking the silence)_...So, Colin Robinson, are you taking the offer?

COLIN ROBINSON  
...I’m still thinking it over, but it’s too good to pass up. I think I will.

NADJA  
But you can’t, Colin Robinson! 

LASZLO  
You heard my good lady wife! Who’s going to be our breadwinner?

NADJA shoots her husband a look.

LASZLO  
...What I meant to say was, this house just won’t be the same without you, old chap, seeing as you came along with it!

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(grins, clearly feeding on his housemates’ shock)_ You know what they say — you never know what they have until it’s gone. And in two days, on Aziraphale and Crowley’s last day here, I’ll most likely be gone, right out of your hair. 

But like I said, I’m still considering it, so… why don’t we have another house meeting in two days for my final decision? 

Before that, though, you’re probably wondering how this offer came to be…

LASZLO AND NADJA  
No one’s wondering.

COLIN ROBINSON  
It all started when I confirmed firsthand that Aziraphale and Crowley are immune to my attempts at draining their energy…

**_FLASHBACK TO_ **

**INT. LIVING ROOM**

**TITLE CARD — A FEW DAYS AGO**

_There’s no such thing as too much “coffee” for COLIN ROBINSON, so he waltzes into the living room, hoping to find someone to drain. Sure enough, everyone is there._

_Enjoying regular human cocktails that LASZLO made, AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY are chatting animatedly with NADJA and LASZLO. Meanwhile, NANDOR and GUILLERMO are lost in their own world, sharing a pair of earphones and watching some videos on GUILLERMO’s smartphone._

COLIN ROBINSON  
Well, well, well, what do we have here? It sure looks like a triple date! _(in an overly familiar voice)_ Hey Nandor, my dude!

 _Glaring warily at COLIN ROBINSON, NANDOR looks up from the screen but does not take off the earphone bud_.

COLIN ROBINSON  
So I heard you’ve fallen deep into the K-pop rabbit hole now. Got ya somethin’ you might like.

_COLIN ROBINSON reveals a rolled-up poster, which he unfurls to show the ladies of the K-pop group Twice wearing brightly colored outfits. Below, the text says “FANCY YOU.”_

COLIN ROBINSON  
So I thought this might make a good addition to the fancy room, because, “Fancy”… fancy room… get it? Nothing like being proud of your fandom — don’t worry, it’s nothing to be ashamed of — and beautifying the room, right?

_GUILLERMO groans and shoots COLIN ROBINSON the most hateful of death glares._

GUILLERMO  
_(accusingly)_ You’re the one who introduced Nandor to K-pop when you overheard that he was looking for music recommendations! Now look what you’ve done. Every so often, he’ll make me look up K-pop MVs. And I have nothing against K-pop, but when your master insists on listening to the same song over and over again… I swear, if I hear “Boy With Luv” or “Fancy” one more time...

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(shrugs)_ Not my fault that out of all the vampires in this house, Nandor’s the one who takes to pop culture the most. You should’ve seen him when the Macarena was all the rage. Besides, the more — wink, wink — master-and-familiar bonding sessions, the merrier, right?

NANDOR  
Don’t say things like that, Guillermo! When you disrespect K-pop, you are disrespecting me. In the past, I commanded armies through power, force, ...and putting the fear of myself in my men. Today, these dashing young men command a worldwide army through song and dance. How can I not be impressed? 

GUILLERMO  
_(to COLIN ROBINSON)_ You’ve created a monster, Colin. This is even worse than the time you tried to get him into _The Haunting of Hill House_ ! You have no idea how much of a headache I had, trying to explain the plot to him. Don’t you dare tell him about _Bly Manor_.

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(gives yet another dismissive shrug)_ Hey, think of it another way: I’m creating more opportunities for you two lovebirds to talk and bond. Anyway, Nandor, are you taking the poster or not?

NANDOR  
_(snatches the poster)_ Give me that!

NADJA  
You stupid bloody donkey, don’t you dare put up that sickeningly bright portrait of those random women in the fancy room! It does not match the aesthetic at all!

NANDOR  
These are not random women, Nadja; they are Twice!

NADJA  
I couldn’t care less if they’re thrice or quadruple, Nandor! Put it up in your room if you like, or stick it to your crypt for all I care. Just… just… I better not see that in the fancy room! 

_LASZLO, who has been quietly observing this, gives AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY an apologetic look and casts the camera an aside glance._

NANDOR  
I never said I was going to do that! _(huffs)_ No one in this house appreciates art like _I_ do. Anyway, Colin Robinson just killed the mood. Come, Guillermo, let’s just head to my room and watch some dance challenges on your clock application.

_NANDOR, still clutching the poster, heads for his room, his cape trailing in his stead._

_GUILLERMO motions to follow NANDOR._

GUILLERMO  
You mean TikTok, master.

_COLIN ROBINSON looks pleased with himself._

AZIRAPHALE  
_(trying to diffuse the tension)_ Tick Tock? That sounds familiar. Isn’t that one of those things that your lot thinks you invented, my dear? 

_Before CROWLEY can even answer, COLIN ROBINSON butts in._

COLIN ROBINSON  
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to hear that Hell is run like your typical bureaucracy: out-of-touch despite the trail of reports and paperwork that you’re made to file. Crowley, do your superiors think that you yourself invented TikTok? Or do they think that you influenced ByteDance back in 2016, when the app was only in Chinese and called A.me, which later became Douyin...

NADJA  
_(stands up, having had enough)_ Nandor’s right; Colin Robinson just soured the room’s ambiance. Aziraphale, Crowley, it’s been lovely chatting with you, but my husband and I would much rather spend some Colin Robinson-free time in our room. And I suggest you do the same, too...

LASZLO  
_(pats both AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY on the back, then winks knowingly)  
_My good lady wife makes the best suggestions. Dear fellows, I’m sure you have better uses for your time than to listen to Colin Robinson blather. We’ve got a sex dungeon, in case you want to use it. Now, if you’ll excuse us.

NADJA  
_(giggling as she takes LASZLO’s arm)_ Ooh, my darling, perhaps we should make a cover of that song Nandor likes so much! Instead of “Boy With Luv,” we’ll call it… “Vamp With Lust!”

LASZLO  
My love, you are truly a lyrical genius!

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(calling out after them as they make their way upstairs)_ Don’t forget to post your cover on Twitter and hashtag it so the Armys can see!

_Both NADJA and LASZLO leave for their room._

CROWLEY  
_(makes a motion to get up)_ Shall we, angel?

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh no, I would love to stay and hear from Mr. Robinson here about TikTok. Now, this is an application, or “app” for short, you say? I could never make heads or tails as to what an application was, and _(looks at Crowley)_ — I’m sorry, my dear boy — Crowley couldn’t quite explain it well. Perhaps you could enlighten me…?

**TITLE CARD — 2.5 HOURS LATER**

**INT. COLIN ROBINSON’S BASEMENT ROOM**

_The conversation is still going, even though AZIRAPHALE, CROWLEY, and COLIN ROBINSON have all moved to the energy vampire’s room in the basement. AZIRAPHALE still hasn’t run out of steam, while COLIN is starting to look a bit exhausted._

AZIRAPHALE  
Interesting, very interesting indeed. I have learned so much about the social media landscape, and yet I feel like there’s so much more that I need to learn. Now tell me, Colin, what is Discord, and why is it named such, of all things? It’s not something for fomenting, well, discord, is it? Crowley told me about it once, but it all looked so alien to me.

COLIN ROBINSON  
Look, buddy, don’t you think we should take a break? You must be tired, just listening to me go on and on…

_COLIN ROBINSON looks to CROWLEY for help._

COLIN ROBINSON  
What about you, Crowley? Surely you and your husband have better things to do, so don’t let me keep you.

CROWLEY  
_(grins widely)_ I have to thank you for taking the time to explain social media to my angel. Though I doubt he’ll be inclined to finally join me online anytime soon, your little TED talk covered all the bits that I had a hard time explaining to my angel. 

I also must congratulate you for having the honor — or dishonor — of seeing just how much of a smooth bastard my husband can be. You tried to milk him dry, but it looks like you got played instead.

_AZIRAPHALE beams angelically — a bit too angelically._

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was just genuinely interested in hearing what Colin Robinson had to say, and I thought he’d be delighted to have an audience…

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(puts his hands up in a gesture of surrender)  
_Okay, okay, you got me. I’m an energy vampire, and I wanted to see if I could drain an angel and a demon, but clearly, feeding on supernatural beings like you two is futile.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(still smiling)_ Yes, I know what you are, Colin Robinson. I sensed it the first time I saw the other vampires avoiding you. You’re the first literal energy vampire that I’ve met, but I’ve heard about your kind, and have encountered my share of people like you. 

CROWLEY  
Wait; I have an important question: why do they always call you by your full name, Colin? Are we supposed to call you Colin Robinson as well? How come no one calls Laszlo “Laszlo Cravensworth” all the time, even though his name has the same number of syllables as “Colin Robinson”?

COLIN ROBINSON  
Yeesh, I get it already; you’re giving me a dose of my own medicine. 

CROWLEY  
No, I really want to know. Since the day we got here and were introduced to you, it’s been “Colin Robinson” this, “Colin Robinson” that with the other vampires. When Nandor gave us a house tour, he kept referring to you by your full name

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(shrugs)_ Nandor started it. He always says my full name like it’s just one name — “Colinrobinson” — and it caught on. Never bothered correcting him, but of course you can just call me “Colin.”

 _(softly, almost mumbling, as if he’s swallowing his pride)_ ...so, I suppose you want an apology?

AZIRAPHALE  
Good heavens, no, Colin! I like you already; I never expected I’d hit things off with an energy vampire this well! In fact, I think you’d be the perfect manager for my bookshop!

CROWLEY and COLIN ROBINSON  
Say whaaaaaaaat?!!!!

**_BACK TO PRESENT._ **

COLIN ROBINSON  
...and that’s how it happened. As they say, when one door closes, another one opens. And as another cliche goes, you win some, you lose some. I may not have gotten meals out of Aziraphale and Crowley, but we’re friends now.

_COLIN ROBINSON tries to put his arms around AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY for an awkward hug. Pan to couch to show NADJA, LASZLO, NANDOR, and GUILLERMO all asleep._

COLIN ROBINSON  
Oops.

**INTERVIEW WITH COLIN ROBINSON, WITH SOME BACKUP FROM AZIRAPHALE AND CROWLEY**

**INT. COLIN ROBINSON’S BASEMENT ROOM**

COLIN ROBINSON  
As it turns out, Aziraphale, despite being an angel, is the OG troll. He was a troll before the word “troll” became internet slang, and he continues to troll people offline every now and then — all with a pleasant smile on his face and typical British politeness.

_Pan out to show AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY also in COLIN ROBINSON’s room._

AZIRAPHALE  
Only when I’m dealing with difficult and/or unpleasant people!

COLIN ROBINSON  
I’m still weighing the pros and cons of moving to London, but right now, I think the benefits outweigh the costs. It would be an honor to learn from a master troll. Imagine all the things I could do! 

When you love what you do, it won’t feel like a job — so why stay at my current company when there’s so much more potential waiting for me at A.Z. Fell and Co? Aziraphale, I can’t thank you enough — I’m so flattered that you asked.

AZIRAPHALE  
Think nothing of it. It was a spur-of-the-moment question, and I do hope your housemates won’t think I’m trying to poach you, but I couldn’t help it. I saw so much potential in you. You see, Crowley and I have been thinking of moving to the South Downs — the countryside. But I’d hate to sell my bookshop or to just close it for good. 

Right now, our new friends have been taking turns managing the bookshop while my husband and I are on honeymoon. Mainly, Miss Device and Mr. Pulsifer have been helping out while they’re figuring out the next step to take in their lives, with the occasional help from Madame Tracy. But they can’t help out forever, so I wasn’t sure what to do — until I met you.

COLIN ROBINSON  
You had me when you told me about how you wore out telemarketers and Christians simply by being willing to engage with them for hours, and when Crowley showed me a photo of your bookshop’s opening hours!

CROWLEY  
_(proudly)_ You think those were good? Wait ‘til you hear how he deals with the mafia. There are plenty of urban legends of people stepping into A.Z. Fell’s and never making their way out.

AZIRAPHALE  
And I won’t confirm or deny them. _(to COLIN ROBINSON and the camera)_ Also, I’m sure my dear husband here helped spread those urban legends to increase my shop’s notoriety.

CROWLEY  
I’m just pissed that IKEA’s PR team ripped off those urban legends, the bastards.

COLIN ROBINSON  
Seriously, I’m sure you’ve heard this so many times already, but you two are relationship goals! All of us in this household think so, you know.

_AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY blush._

CROWLEY  
Also, Aziraphale here is so much better at tempting than I am. The fact that he so casually managed to tempt you into managing his bookshop is a testament to what a wily tempter he can be, when he feels like it.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(batting his eyelashes coquettishly)_ Oh, shush, dear, you flatter me.

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(to the camera)_ I’ve talked a lot about how awesome Aziraphale is — consider me a fanboy of sorts now — but I should tell you that Crowley’s great, too. It shouldn’t be too surprising that a demon would be a troll, but let me tell you, the man — er, man-shaped being — is good at his job.

AZIRAPHALE  
Of course he’s perfected his technique; he’s been at it for 6,000 years, the wily old serpent! He **is** the Serpent of Eden after all.

COLIN ROBINSON  
I’m sure I can learn a lot from Crowley, too. We have a lot in common. We might have even gotten into flame wars with each other on the internet without realizing it.

_Montage of scenes/flashbacks of CROWLEY and COLIN ROBINSON talking._

**INT. LIVING ROOM**

COLIN ROBINSON  
One of my favorite sources of energy on the internet is stan Twitter. Nothing is juicier than starting shit among them.

CROWLEY  
No way! Me too!

COLIN ROBINSON  
I especially love the K-pop stans, but in the process of riling them up, I too became a K-pop fan myself. So when I got Nandor into K-pop, believe me when I say that pissing Guillermo off wasn’t the intention. Sometimes, I really do want to help, even though the warm and fuzzy feelings make me nauseous later on.

CROWLEY  
Been there, done that. I like some K-pop songs, too, but you and Aziraphale better keep your mouths shut — I have to keep up appearances, you know? And yes, I got into the genre because of all that time spent lurking and trolling.

**INT. COLIN ROBINSON’S BASEMENT ROOM**

_COLIN ROBINSON is hunched over his laptop, with CROWLEY watching him at work._

CROWLEY  
Guess it’s not unexpected that we run in the same circles, but holy shit, you troll anti-vaxxers and flat earthers too?

COLIN ROBINSON  
Of course I do; they’re low-hanging fruit. They’re like refined carbs: not the most nutritious, but they keep you full! 

CROWLEY  
Did I tell you about the time I got into an argument with Pestilence? He’s mostly retired now, but when anti-vaxxers became a thing, he sorta came out of retirement.

COLIN ROBINSON  
You’re pulling my leg! Pestilence, one of the horsemen of the Apocalypse, is real?

CROWLEY  
Sure is. We ran into Death outside your house when we arrived. And I’ve also gotten into a flame war with, well, War — she doesn’t just cause large-scale, physical wars, y’know; she even finds it easier to just spark wars on the internet these days.

_CROWLEY reads out loud what COLIN ROBINSON is typing. He’s now in a Facebook group of evangelical homeschooling moms._

CROWLEY  
_(reading the text)_ “If Jesus were here, surely he would’ve…” Colin, my friend; I hung out with Yeshua. We were friends, but of course the Bible won’t tell you that. Here’s what he would’ve said... 

COLIN ROBINSON  
You’re not putting words in his mouth, are you, Crowley? Because that would be taking his name in vain…

CROWLEY  
Satan, no; Yeshua’s a cool dude; he has a sense of humor!

_End montage; back to the interview with COLIN ROBINSON in his basement room._

COLIN ROBINSON  
This job practically sounds like a dream come true — it’d not only be a form of career advancement, but also a learning experience. There’d never be a boring day. I’d get to learn about trolling from the experts, and even practice on and with them, too. 

Plus, I’d have friends that I can genuinely talk to. With my housemates, it’s hard not to feed on them unintentionally. Trust me, sometimes — like when I introduced Nandor to K-pop — I really just want to be friendly, but because I tend to feed off their energy, they’re suspicious of me most of the time. Other times, I just can’t help but try to feed off them, so I guess it’s partly my fault they can’t trust me, but still. 

Having friends who are immune to my attempts to feed means that I can talk to Aziraphale and Crowley about my day, whatever I’m feeling, yada yada. Yes, energy vampires like me have feelings, too, in case it wasn’t obvious.

Oh, and I’d have new content for my travel newsletter. When I said that I like to travel, I meant around the US. I’ve never been to London before, and you bet I’m excited to hit the town!

AZIRAPHALE  
Colin, I’m delighted to hear that you’re excited about what this job can do for you as an energy vampire. Rest assured that I will not micromanage — you can even make social media accounts for the bookshop if you like, so long as you agree to basic rules like not selling a single book.

Also, I can’t believe I’m saying this, seeing as I am one hedonist of an angel, but moderation is key. Unlike here where you only have your housemates and co-workers, there’s an abundance of potential energy sources for you in London, but you will also have to be careful not to drive people away to the point that no one will want to visit the shop. Perhaps learning self-restraint will also be a worthy challenge for your career growth.

Most importantly, Colin, please remember not to punch down. Leave our friends, neighbors, and the bookshop kids — the nice young folks who consider the bookshop a home and a safe space, treat the books with respect, and don’t buy anything — alone. But Instagrammers, influencers, obnoxious tourists, and mafia? All yours for the taking. 

_AZIRAPHALE begins to glow, and extra eyes start appearing where they shouldn’t be: on his forehead, cheeks, neck, and arms. He’s putting on a show to let COLIN ROBINSON know that he means business._

AZIRAPHALE  
If I find out that you’ve been feeding on our friends, mark my words: even though I’ve chosen to trust you now, even though I consider you a new friend, **I will smite you.** You will literally and figuratively be fired from the job. Are we clear?

COLIN ROBINSON  
Whoa there! For a moment, the room sizzled with divine energy! Yes, of course, I will abide by your rules. Just show me the ropes — let me know who your friends are, and all that — then leave it to me.

AZIRAPHALE  
Good. Just take those simple rules to heart, and you’ll find this job to be rewarding in more ways than one.

And before you ask, of course you’ll be paid, just as our friends who are helping us out are getting paid. Money is no object for us occult and ethereal beings, so long as we’re not — ah, as Crowley puts it, making it rain, to the point of significantly impacting the economy.

At least please think it over, Colin. But I mean this sincerely: you can also say no. Please don’t feel pressured to say yes just because you’d feel bad about my and Crowley’s plan to move to the countryside. Whatever happens, we’ll manage. Some of our bookshop kids would be happy to help out.

**TITLE CARD — TWO DAYS LATER**

**INT. FANCY ROOM — NIGHT**

_Everyone in the Staten Island house is gathered for a farewell._

NADJA  
Dark greetings, one and all. We are gathered here to bid farewell to our dear friend Crowley, and his husband, Aziraphale, whom we have also come to love. He and Crowley are truly a perfect match, and we couldn’t be happier to have hosted them for the past week. Aziraphale, you are now our favorite angel, and we hereby declare you the best angel in existence.

_The NADJA DOLL, who is cradled in NADJA’s arms, speaks up._

NADJA DOLL  
Granted, you’re the only angel we know, but the point still stands.

NANDOR  
_(clears throat)_ However, Aziraphale and Crowley aren’t the only ones we are saying goodbye to. Also possibly leaving us tonight is our longtime housemate Colin Robinson, who, as Nandor claims, came with this house, though I really cannot remember. 

To mark this occasion, we have prepared some gifts for you, Colin Robinson. We have already gave Aziraphale and Crowley their presents when they arrived, and have talked to them plenty. So now, let us all make our speeches in honor of Colin Robinson.

_Silence._

NANDOR  
So, housemates, who wants to go first?

NADJA and LASZLO point to NANDOR.

NANDOR  
Guillermo?

GUILLERMO  
I thought this was a vampires-only thing.

NANDOR  
Nadja doll?

NADJA DOLL  
I’m not a vampire. 

NANDOR  
This is not a vampires-only thing! This is a household thing!

NADJA DOLL  
Fine. Since you asked… honestly, I’d rather have the ginger hottie and his blond cutie stay in Colin’s place. It’d be nice to have extra braincells in this house, since my vampire self and Guillermo are pretty much the only ones who have any. 

But in the spirit of niceties, I suppose Colin’s not so bad; I just wanted to roast him one last time. Being a doll who cannot go anywhere on her own, I do not have any present for you, Colin, but you are one lucky bastard to be able to stay with Aziraphale and Crowley. Don’t squander the opportunity, and please, take me as your stowaway. 

_CROWLEY whispers to AZIRAPHALE, though he doesn’t realize that he’s whispering loud enough for the cameras to hear._

CROWLEY  
Heh, someone’s got a crush on us, angel. Not the first, and certainly won’t be the last. Maybe we should introduce her to the Bentley; I swear the old girl is sentient.

_What follows is a soundless montage of NANDOR, NADJA, LASZLO, and GUILLERMO making farewell speeches, giving COLIN ROBINSON going-away presents, and, in some cases, even hugging the energy vampire. Then cut to..._

COLIN ROBINSON  
Actually, guys, I’ve decided: I’m staying.

VAMPIRES, DOLL NADJA, and GUILLERMO  
What?!!

NANDOR  
After all the trouble we went through to organize this for you and get Guillermo to pick out presents?!!

LASZLO  
To think you kept bragging about what a great opportunity was waiting for you in London!

COLIN ROBINSON  
Yes, well, the job certainly is promising, and again, I can’t thank Aziraphale enough for considering me worthy of the position. But — and I believe Gizmo has said this too — the heart wants what it wants. I would probably thrive there, but you’re not just random vampire roommates; you’re **my** vampire roommates, and you’re forever. 

‘Sides, the more I think about it, with Aziraphale and Crowley as my only immortal friends in London, I might just end up third-wheeling them, and I’d hate to keep doing that. Talk about awkward.

LASZLO  
Are you sure about this, old chap? Not that we want to get rid of you, I swear, but we wouldn’t want to hold you back.

COLIN ROBINSON  
Yes, I’m sure. As sure as Guillermo continuing to stay because of… whatever it is he has going on with Nandor—

GUILLERMO  
_(trying to hide a furious blush)_ Shut up, Colin! 

COLIN ROBINSON  
—and as sure as Nandor continuing to keep Guillermo by his side. As sure as you and Nadja always circling back to each other no matter how many other flings you have, and as sure as Aziraphale and Crowley have loved each other for 6,000 years and counting. Really, the heart wants what it wants. Simple as that.

NADJA  
Why didn’t you tell us sooner, then?

COLIN ROBINSON  
Oh yeah, about that, well… I wanted to know if you’d miss me if I were to leave for real.

 _AZIRAPHALE_ _casts the camera an aside glance and addresses the audience._

AZIRAPHALE  
Whoever’s watching this, please don’t try this at home — don’t do this to your loved ones, okay?

NADJA  
Colin Robinson, you are simply dreadful — even on what was supposed to be your farewell party, you just had to get your fill of our energy!

**INTERVIEW WITH COLIN ROBINSON**

COLIN ROBINSON  
In the end, it all worked out. We found a solution that’s pretty much a win-win for everyone. I’m staying here, but I’ll visit London every now and then to help manage the bookshop. You can think of it as a paid internship, I guess. It’ll be nice to get a change of environment once in a while. 

Aziraphale and Crowley are leaving now. I never expected to have an angel and a demon as friends — they’re my first new friends in who knows how long — but I’ll forever be glad to have met them. Yeesh. Now I’m starting to feel warm and fuzzy again, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s kinda gross to be feeling this way, but I guess that’s love for you…

**INT. LIVING ROOM — NIGHT**

_The vampires and GUILLERMO are seeing AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY out._

CROWLEY  
Remember when I told you that the world almost ended last year? Crisis averted, but we have to stay vigilant. You never know if Up There and Down Below might start shit again, and where in the world the stage for Armageddon 2 might be. I hope I can count on you all to be our extra eyes and ears here on Staten Island. Let me know if you detect any signs of angelic or demonic activity, yeah?

NADJA  
Of course, Crowley dear. You and Aziraphale, don’t be strangers, okay? Colin Robinson, Guillermo, and Nandor all know how to check electronic mail, so you can contact us more easily now. Anything you want to talk about, whether it’s about the best sex positions or just saying hello, you can tell us… or even just me, okay?

_AZIRAPHALE pulls GUILLERMO into a hug, and, once he’s sure that the vampires are out of earshot, whispers to him._

AZIRAPHALE  
Your secret is safe with us. If you ever need advice on loving your hereditary enemy, you know who to talk to.

_CROWLEY joins in._

CROWLEY  
Oh, I have over 6,000 years worth of advice to dispense in that field. You can consider me an expert on the topic.

GUILLERMO  
Thank you, you two — you’re my guardian angel and demon.

_They then let go of GUILLERMO._

NANDOR  
Crowley, it really was good to see and talk to you again. There may not have been any romantic love or sexual attraction between us, but you always were my cleverest and most interesting wife. 

CROWLEY  
Even though you’re now what kids these days would call a himbo, Nandor, I’m just relieved that you’ve mellowed out. You have someone devoted by your side, which is a rarity in this world. Treat him better.

_NANDOR nods._

LASZLO  
My friends, it’s been an absolute joy having you both here. But before you go, allow me to present you with an extra surprise — a miniature indoor topiary of an arsehole. Of course, what either of yours looks like is beyond me, so I had to take artistic liberties and use my imagination. May this represent all the wonderful sex that I hope you two sex-positive asexuals are occasionally getting.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(blushing and smiling sheepishly)_ Well… that’s certainly very thoughtful of you, Laszlo.

CROWLEY  
Thanks, mate. Now off we go. We'll be in touch — ciao!

_As AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY’s Uber pulls up, the vampires and GUILLERMO stand outside their porch and wave goodbye to the angel and the demon, who wave back._

**INT. AZIRAPHALE AND CROWLEY’S UBER RIDE**

UBER DRIVER  
And where are we off to? Newark? LaGuardia? JFK…?

AZIRAPHALE  
No, wait, sorry. Before we leave New York, there’s one more stop we have to visit. Can you take us to a shop in Brooklyn called Satchel Serafina?


	5. Interlude with a Witch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley isn't the only one with supernatural friends in New York—Lilith invites Aziraphale to drop by her shop for some catching up and chit-chat.

_We open with a disclaimer._

**TITLE CARD:** THE MAKERS OF THIS WERE NOT PAID TO FEATURE SATCHEL SERAFINA; THIS DOCUMENTARY IS NOT AN ENDORSEMENT.

_Fade into another title card._

**TITLE CARD — A FEW NIGHTS AGO**

_We begin with a scene from when AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY stayed over at the Staten Island Vampire Residence._ ****

**_FLASHBACK_ **

**EXT. OUTSIDE THE STATEN ISLAND RESIDENCE — LATE AFTERNOON**

_GUILLERMO’s car pulls over, as he returns from another successful delivery of Memo’s Man Milk. GUILLERMO gets out of the car, with something (or someone?) else in tow — BLACK PETER, the witches’ long-suffering goat familiar. They make their way over to greet AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY, who, while the vampires are still asleep and COLIN ROBINSON is at work, are by the koi pond, feeding the fish as they chat._

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, hello, Guillermo!

_CROWLEY nods in greeting._

GUILLERMO  
Hey! Uh… sorry to bother you two, but actually, someone’s here to see you.

_BLACK PETER emerges from behind GUILLERMO, which causes CROWLEY to let out an undignified yelp in surprise._

CROWLEY  
What the fuck—?! Baphomet, is that you?

_AZIRAPHALE gets in front of CROWLEY and assumes a protective stance._

AZIRAPHALE  
Get thee behind me, my darling!

_CROWLEY, though still terrified, couldn’t be more in love — nothing like his angel husband being protective to get him all soppy._

BLACK PETER  
 _(in an unearthly voice that slightly unnerves AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY)  
_ Relax; I’m no demon. Just… _(sighs)_ a lowly familiar. Don’t even get me started. I come bearing a message from my master, Lilith.

CROWLEY  
You’re my ex-boss’s wife’s familiar?!

_AZIRAPHALE, who’s still in front of CROWLEY, has his brows furrowed, as he thinks back on someone else he knows with the same name._

BLACK PETER  
No, I’m talking about Lilith, a witch. Come to think of it, I don’t know her last name, or if she even has one. Anyway, will you all please just let me speak so I can get this over with?

AZIRAPHALE  
All right, get on with it, then.

BLACK PETER  
Lilith says: “Aziraphale, you’re in town, and you didn’t even tell me? Sad emoji. I found out from Guillermo! Crying emoji. At least come visit my shop — just look up Satchel Serafina — and introduce your husband to me before you leave! Pleading emoji.”

AZIRAPHALE  
Ah yes, _that_ Lilith!

CROWLEY  
 _(hesitantly stepping out from where he was standing behind AZIRAPHALE just earlier)  
_ Oooookaaaay… and this Lilith person couldn’t have just relayed this message to Guillermo?

BLACK PETER  
She said she trusted only me to deliver the message, emojis and all. She needs you to know what kind of emojis she would’ve used if she’d known your number or socials.

_Right during this moment, the vampires’ next-door neighbor, SHAUN, steps out of his house and takes in the odd sight of three people talking to a goat. His eyes widen in surprise as he sees BLACK PETER._

SHAUN  
 _(waving)_ Yo, Guillermo! And, uh… new people, hi!

_GUILLERMO, AZIRAPHALE, and CROWLEY wave back._

SHAUN (continued)  
Whoa! What are you doing with a big, black goat? And did it just _talk_?

GUILLERMO  
 _(stammers incoherently at first; trying to think of an excuse)_ I-i-it just followed me home, and I couldn’t leave the poor thing alone! I’ll try to find its owner, though; don’t worry.

BLACK PETER  
 _(unconvincingly)_ Baa.

GUILLERMO  
See? It’s a perfectly regular, non-talking goat.

SHAUN  
Alrighty then, I’ll leave ya to it.

_And with this, BLACK PETER runs away._

**_BACK TO PRESENT._ **

**EXT. OUTSIDE SATCHEL SERAFINA — NIGHT**

AZIRAPHALE  
Not that we mind, but I didn’t expect the spotlight to be on us this time. I thought this was a documentary about vampires. Is this supposed to be a special feature?

CROWLEY  
What’s that—you’ve followed Guillermo around, too? Just what kind of documentary is this, anyway?

AZIRAPHALE  
Ah, well, setting these questions aside, why don’t we all step inside, where Lilith and I can regale you with stories of our friendship? Let’s not keep her waiting.

_AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY enter Satchel Serafina._

**INT. SATCHEL SERAFINA — MAIN SHOP AREA**

_As soon as AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY enter the shop, LILITH throws her arms around AZIRAPHALE and wraps him in a hug. AZIRAPHALE returns the gesture._

LILITH  
Aziraphale! Who would’ve known you’d be on this side of the world? Thank you so much for dropping by, dear. Being married aside, you haven’t changed one bit—congratulations, by the way! 

I do hope you like the aphrodisiacs and sex toys that the vampires got for you; they had Guillermo pick out the gifts, but the poor dear had no idea what to get, so I helped him out. I suppose you can technically consider them gifts from me, too. I enchanted the sex toys, by the way—I know how insatiable us supernatural beings can get. 

_LILITH winks at AZIRAPHALE._

AZIRAPHALE  
Ah, Lilith, you’re as forward as ever! Indeed, it’s been a century, hasn’t it? My apologies; I had no idea where you were—for all I’d known, you could’ve moved out of New York! I’d like you to meet my wonderful husband, Crowley—or, as most humans know him, Anthony J. Crowley.

CROWLEY  
 _(holds out his hand for a handshake)_ Charmed.

LILITH  
 _(shakes CROWLEY’s hand in return)_ So you must be Aziraphale’s mysterious demon lover. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Crowley. I’m Lilith, and as you may know by now, I’m a witch.

CROWLEY  
Just “Crowley” is fine… hold up—”mysterious demon lover”? Aziraphale, how does she know about me?

AZIRAPHALE  
Yes, well, I was just waiting for the right moment to tell you and our camera crew here about how Lilith and I made each other’s acquaintance. Lilith, shall you do the honor, or shall I?

LILITH  
We can take turns, though why don’t we move downstairs for some privacy? We’re closing shop soon, but we sometimes get last-minute customers.

AZIRAPHALE  
Jolly good!

**INT. SATCHEL SERAFINA — BASEMENT**

_Cue confession cam-style segment with AZIRAPHALE and LILITH, with CROWLEY occasionally chiming in._

AZIRAPHALE  
I met Lilith during the Prohibition Era, when I was in New York City for an assignment. I’d heard rumors of Agnes Nutter’s descendants putting down roots in America, so I thought I’d make the most of the opportunity. I tried looking for witches in the hopes that they might have some leads. 

That’s how I met Lilith, who was running a witches-only speakeasy at the time. Her front was a bookshop, which was how we hit it off.

_A montage of bllack-and-white images of LILITH’s bookshop and speakeasy._

LILITH  
When Aziraphale sought me out, he was so anxious that the holiness radiated from him in spades! He was doing a rather terrible job of hiding it; it was like he was afraid of getting caught in my shop.

AZIRAPHALE  
I’ve been stationed on Earth for so long that I can typically blend in with humans just fine, unlike the other angels. It’s just that Gabriel had suddenly shown up for a surprise visit a few hours before I dropped by Lilith’s shop. He’s not one to check in several times a day, so it was unlikely that he would show up again that day, but it still made me a bit antsy. 

LILITH  
Not just a bit, dear—I could sense the angelic energy bouncing off you!

 _(to the camera)_ My first thought was that he was an angel of the Lord sent to smite me, what with me being a witch, plus my dear mother having named me after the demonic figure she admired most. 

I thought he was nervous because he was having moral qualms about assassinating me in broad daylight. And so, I was preparing to defend myself, when I saw Aziraphale gazing longingly at my bestseller among the witch community, _100 Ways to Have a Tryst with Your Secret Demon Lover_. I thought, “Ah, so this is what he’s here for.”

_At this, CROWLEY mouths “Wot?”, then tries his hardest not to laugh._

AZIRAPHALE  
I still insist that I wasn’t gazing longingly at that book; it just happened to catch my eye!

LILITH  
Sure, Aziraphale. It was definitely more than a passing glance. It was at that moment that I knew that he wasn’t your run-of-the-mill angel. I winked at Aziraphale and said, “Don’t worry; your secret’s safe with me.” 

This made him all flustered, which was as good a confirmation that he was definitely in love with a demon. And now I know who this demon is, to which I must say that he has impeccable taste.

_CROWLEY badly tries to hide how flattered he is, while AZIRAPHALE, despite being embarrassed by what LILITH had just said, gives his husband a look of sheer fondness._

LILITH  
In all seriousness, though, Aziraphale genuinely sought out my shop to find any leads on Agnes Nutter’s family. Barring that, he was hoping for the off-chance that I might have carried _The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter_.

_Montage of different witches’ covens from past to present: from black-and-white images and videos, to modern-day witches, including video clips of Lilith’s Brooklyn coven at work, as well as witches leaving tributes to Agnes Nutter._

LILITH (continued)  
But you see, one thing that many, including vampires, do not understand about us witches — and that is why I’m honored that you’ve decided to film us tonight — is that different covens engage in different activities.

Just like vampires, we’re only a community in the loosest sense of the word. Some of us are into speaking in tongues, though these days we have Duolingo for that. And then there’s me; I love being a girlboss. I was one even before the young ones came up with the word; entrepreneurship was always in my blood.

_An image montage of the Device family, starting with a black-and-white depiction of AGNES NUTTER, followed by illustrations, portraits, or photos of her various descendants._

Still others, like the Devices—Agnes’s descendants, largely keep to themselves, not joining covens. Of course, we’ve all heard of Agnes Nutter; she’s an icon. She went down with a literal bang. 

But prophecies were never my thing, and because the Devices never mingled with the witch community, we didn’t even have any idea whether they practiced witchcraft. We’d only heard rumors, but we could never verify. Most covens couldn’t care less about the Devices; plus, it turned out that they were on the opposite coast, in California. 

So, unfortunately, I couldn’t help Aziraphale in that regard. But I invited him into my speakeasy for some chit-chat, then gave him a copy of my bestseller for free—I figured he needed it. I treated him as an honorary witch, and invited him to drop by every now and then, which he did.

AZIRAPHALE  
I didn’t quite realize that I was pining for Crowley at the time, but I remember feeling lonely that he wasn’t around. It was a stressful assignment, too, so I appreciated Lilith extending her friendship to me.

CROWLEY  
Whoa, I never knew you had a book like that somewhere in your shop, angel! Were you secretly using any of those tips on me? No, wait, you hadn’t met Lilith yet that time you tempted me to oysters, or the day you were chained in the Bastille...

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(blushing and making a pouty face)_ It’s not like you read, so I didn’t see any reason to tell you! 

LILITH  
Did you use any of my tips, Aziraphale? If you found any of them helpful, can I get a testimonial from you for the next edition? Everyone’s saying that I need to update my book, now that some demons are on Tinder and OKCupid...

AZIRAPHALE  
Unfortunately, no—I went through your book, and let me tell you, it got me through many a lonely night of missing Crowley, but I was scared. Crowley and I never actually got to have passionate trysts until last year. 

CROWLEY  
Yeah, we’ve been together for 6,000 years, but we only got, ah, together–together very recently. Back in 1967, Aziraphale said I went too fast for him, but after certain events last year, it’s like a switch had been flipped. We went from a fight, to nearly losing each other, to getting together… and now we’re married. It’s almost like a dream, if you ask me.

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(taking CROWLEY’s hand in his)_ Except it’s not, and that’s the best part. We can do whatever we want now, like perhaps, putting Lilith’s tips and most generous presents to good use sometime…

CROWLEY  
Heh heh, angel, you really are full of surprises, aren’t you? Saying things like that when we’re being filmed…

_CROWLEY changes the topic so that LILITH doesn’t feel out of place. At times, he and AZIRAPHALE can’t help but gush ad infinitum about the current state of their relationship (though CROWLEY is loath to call it “gushing” when he’s doing so) and their well-deserved happiness, so one usually has to make sure that the other doesn’t get too carried away._

CROWLEY  
So, Lilith, if you don’t mind me asking, all those 100 tips you put together for your book—do you know them from experience? I can’t imagine most of the demons I know getting into relationships with humans, not even those with supernatural activities. Not like anyone would want a tryst with someone like Hastur, who’s practically allergic to baths, anyway…

LILITH  
Of course I actually have firsthand knowledge, if you know what I mean. My book wouldn’t have been as successful if I’d just presented information from secondary sources. But that’s all I can tell you. I don’t kiss and tell, darling; otherwise my secret demon lovers wouldn’t be secrets, would they?

_CROWLEY tries not to process any mental images of the other demons meeting attractive people in dark places for lust-filled encounters._

LILITH (continued)  
And my book has helped so many witches! I may not kiss and tell, but Quinn, one of the witches in my coven, will happily tell you that she had a hookup with this strapping young lad named Eric! 

_Okay, that’s not as brain bleach-worthy as the thought of anyone having a fling with HASTUR, but CROWLEY’s still trying not to get any mental images of what LILITH had just said. Sometimes being the only demon with a lot of imagination isn’t something to be proud of..._

CROWLEY  
Huh, good for Eric, I guess.

LILITH  
And another witch, who doesn’t mind me saying this but prefers to remain anonymous, said that Paimon was a great lover, though he was quite upset at how inaccurately he was portrayed in _Hereditary._

CROWLEY  
Oh, yeah, Paimon’s one of the okay-ish blokes. For a lord of Hell, he’s a lot more pleasant than the rest. He’s more into sharing forbidden knowledge than whatever sadistic and cruel shit Hastur and Ligur are into. He got a commendation for _Hereditary_ because Hastur thought it was based on a true story. We had to attend a mandatory screening, but Paimon couldn’t really sit through it because he got squeamish.

LILITH  
But anyway, enough about my book and demon lovers; I just hope you two will use it sometime to spice up your bedroom activities. So, Aziraphale, did you ever find _The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter?_

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, yes! All’s well that ends well. Last year, I serendipitously found _The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter_ , which proved instrumental in averting the Apocalypse.

LILITH  
The Apocalypse?! Are you saying that the world nearly ended last year? As I said, I never cared for prophecies. But also, we barely noticed a thing over here! 

CROWLEY  
Yes indeed; if not for Agnes, we wouldn’t have figured out how to stop it. Aziraphale and I might not even be here today. We can’t thank her enough. 

LILITH  
So the world nearly ending was the catalyst that finally brought you and your husband together, Aziraphale?

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(blushes)_ Long story short, yes.

LILITH  
Wow. That’s a lot to take in.

CROWLEY  
Oh, and we got to meet Agnes’s descendant, too — book girl.

AZIRAPHALE  
 _(casts a disapproving glance at CROWLEY)_ Really, dear, she has a name, you know. Anathema. 

LILITH  
Fascinating. Tell me more—what’s she like?

AZIRAPHALE  
A fine young lady, that Ms. Device. She prefers to call herself an occultist rather than a witch. With her being fresh out of college, and having just prevented the world from ending, she’s still figuring out what to do with her life.

I must say, Lilith, you and Ms. Device couldn’t be more different. She’s not part of any covens, while you… what exactly are you doing now? 

LILITH  
Like I said, us witches aren’t a monolith. But I’m so glad you asked! As you can see, I currently run Satchel Serafina, which is mainly an aromatherapy shop that caters to humans and witches alike. But because this shop has some spare rooms, we also rent out space for events and workshops. In fact, we hold some of our own, too — why don’t you stick around for some hip-hop Kundalini or K-pop Zumba?

AZIRAPHALE  
Crowley, don’t you have a thing for K-pop? You quite liked that girl group… Pink and Black, was it?

CROWLEY  
 _(a bit too defensively)_ No, I’m most certainly _not_ into Blackpink at all! Though apparently, Colin got Nandor into K-pop recently, so Lilith, you might want to give Guillermo a heads up. _(shrugs)_ Maybe it might bring him and Nandor closer together.

LILITH  
Hmm, as far as vampires go, Nandor’s not so bad. I suppose I wouldn’t mind him joining our workout sessions. And we like Guillermo and are rooting for him, so he's always welcome.

Back to what I’m doing these days: while I do cater to ordinary humans—that’s what the regular aromatherapy products are for, I’ve got an entire line of aromatherapy, skincare, and beauty products for witches, just like the good old days when I ran my boutique, Lilith’s Womanly Shoppe, a few centuries ago.

_LILITH pauses to show some of her wares, though this is most definitely not a paid promotion for Satchel Serafina. Not that it’s stopping LILITH from taking the opportunity to plug her shop, anyway._

LILITH (continued)  
If you want to support a small, independent, woman-owned business, Satchel Serafina is it. Our bestsellers are our line of beauty and skincare products made from vampire semen, which has anti-aging benefits for witches. I’m just not sure about its effects on other supernatural beings, but I am sure that it’ll be good for most other beings’ skin types, too. I can give you some free samples, in case you’d like to try my highly popular and innovative 10-step witch skincare routine.

AZIRAPHALE  
That’s very nice of you to offer, Lilith, but I do think our current skincare and grooming products suit us just fine.

CROWLEY  
Yeah, seconding my husband here; we’ll pass. I don’t even want to think of where you get the semen…

AZIRAPHALE  
Out of curiosity, are your vampire semen products, ah… fair trade? You know, ethically sourced?

LILITH  
They are now, thanks to Guillermo.

CROWLEY  
 _(casts a glance at the camera)_ I don’t think I even want to know what that means…

LILITH  
Perhaps your friend Ms. Device might be interested? Here, I can give you a sampler kit — it’s on me. 

_LILITH thrusts a kit of samples — face masks, moisturizer, toner, and more — into AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY’s hands._

LILITH (continued)  
Feel free to use these if you change your minds, or give them to Ms. Device. My vampire-semen line might just be the skincare products she never knew she needed! We ship internationally too, by the way; unlike Nadja and her roommates, we’re a tech-savvy bunch—which reminds me: we need to exchange email addresses and socials before you leave!

AZIRAPHALE  
Even though you’re a savvy businessperson, I always knew you also had a generous side to you, Lilith. Thank you. Ah, and I’m afraid I don’t do modern technology much, no matter how much Crowley complains about my being a luddite, so Crowley will just have to give you his contact details.

CROWLEY  
Er, thanks, Lilith. We’ll try asking book gi… Anathema, though I’ll be honest; we’re not sure she’ll actually try your products. You two really are as different as night and day. I can’t imagine her getting into this whole business of making beauty products out of vampire semen.

LILITH  
We make magnets out of vampire semen, too, though they’re a bit of a deviation from our branding as an aromatherapy and beauty shop, so we usually just give our magnets away as freebies. But if your friend’s the crafty type, we do crafts workshops, too, though not for free. You can learn to make magnets out of vampire semen; attendees say it’s very therapeutic!

CROWLEY  
It’s like you have your own business empire, though… seriously, what’s with your fascination with vampire semen? I’m afraid I’m not very familiar with witch culture; is harvesting vampire semen a thing among some witch covens?

LILITH  
Yes, it is. It’s part of why vampire–witch relations are fraught with tension.

AZIRAPHALE  
Well, you learn something new every day. Do enlighten us; we’re all ears.

LILITH  
Sure; why don’t I make you two some drinks so we can chat and catch up all night? Gather ‘round and relax, because this might get a bit long…

_FADE OUT._

**TITLE CARD:**

AZIRAPHALE AND CROWLEY SPENT THEIR LAST NIGHT IN NEW YORK CHATTING WITH LILITH, LATER JOINED BY SOME OTHER WITCHES FROM HER COVEN, OVER DRINKS. ALL IN ALL, IT WAS A NIGHT WELL-SPENT, FILLED WITH LIVELY ANIMATED CONVERSATION AND SATCHEL SERAFINA FREEBIES.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait; life's been busy, so thank you so much for those who've been eagerly following this fic! Just one last chapter to go—tune in for the epilogue, which will, of course, be filled with lots of crack (taken seriously)! It'll feature a few more character cameos; that's all I can say for now.


	6. Epilogue — Into the Omensverse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue: Adam's powers manifest yet again on his 12th birthday, causing Aziraphales and Crowleys from different universes to converge. One Aziraphale–Crowley pair is down to meet the Staten Island vampires for some horny shenanigans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait — the end of 2020 was hectic, and things only started slowing down recently! I got a creative surge around the end of last month, so I only got to update this now. I hope it was worth the wait!
> 
> Also, WWDitS doesn’t have a precise timeline, but I assumed that S2 took place in early 2020, since the Super Bowl is in February. My fic takes place around May. Remember that this is set in an alternate 2020 in which the pandemic — and therefore the Good Omens lockdown special — didn’t happen. (Somehow, in this alternate 2020, Zoom is a popular video-calling app, though, among other parallels to our 2020.)
> 
> Lastly, some context for Good Omens fans who haven’t read the book or listened to the radio drama: yes, across all adaptations, Aziraphale is a fussy angel who runs a bookshop, and Crowley is a demon who, at the very least, delights in low-grade mischief. 
> 
> In all adaptations, both consistently have a close relationship, but there are slight differences in their personalities and dynamics. 
> 
> Radio!Aziraphale and Crowley come off as being very, very comfortable with each other to begin with, hence all the jokes among the fandom that “they’ve been fucking since Eden” and “are the horniest version of A/C.” 
> 
> (It helps that radio!Crowley has a very deep, sultry voice, and both he and Aziraphale sound a bit out of breath at the beginning of the radio drama.)
> 
> Book!Aziraphale and Crowley also have a familiar, old-married-couple dynamic, though book!Aziraphale comes off as a bit more holier-than-thou, especially in contrast to the TV counterpart. 
> 
> I find that book!Aziraphale is the Aziraphale that shows his bastard side the most. He casually asserts that his side is better / morally superior, and it’s implied (or outright stated; I forget) that he’s made gangsters disappear for threatening him. He’s actually more cynical than book!Crowley, who’s been stated to be pretty optimistic, especially for a demon.
> 
> Finally, you have TV!Aziraphale and Crowley. While the series is like “Subtext? What subtext?” (Neil Gaiman even said that he wrote the series as a love story), Aziraphale and Crowley dance around each other a lot more compared to the other versions. 
> 
> While still having a bastard side, TV!Aziraphale is softer, and he pushes Crowley away because he’s been conditioned to worry about what his superiors would say. He has the added layer of being in denial about how Heaven, which is really no better than Hell, hasn’t exactly treated him — or humanity, or anyone else that doesn’t meet their standards, for the matter — well. 
> 
> (The novel and radio drama don’t go into detail showing us what Heaven and Hell are like, other than showing that both aren’t any different. Both are bureaucracies that don’t even know what the Ineffable Plan is, but are committed to making it happen anyway.) 
> 
> Meanwhile, TV!Crowley comes with added angst (e.g. him ruminating about the Fall and being absolutely crushed when he thinks he’s lost Aziraphale). And while he and Aziraphale bicker, he’s also a lot more earnest about how he considers Aziraphale to be his best friend.
> 
> This has gotten rather long, but I thought it’d be nice to provide some context so that, hopefully, more people can enjoy this chapter better!

**TITLE CARD: AUGUST 2020 — THREE MONTHS LATER**

**INT. FANCY ROOM — NIGHT**

_Everyone in the Staten Island residence is gathered in the fancy room._

LASZLO  
A lot has happened since our friends Crowley and Aziraphale visited, and you’re probably wondering how they’ve been doing. You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve been keeping in touch, and it’s all thanks to Gizmo, who introduced us to this technological wonder called…

NADJA  
...Zoom!

_LASZLO and NADJA exchange over-eager looks, as if they are the first to have stumbled upon this breakthrough._

LASZLO  
When Nandor first got sucked into the ether—

COLIN ROBINSON _(lurking in the background)  
_...you mean “got hooked on the internet.”

_No one pays attention to him. NADJA rolls her eyes._

LASZLO  
_(clears throat)_ As I was saying, when Nandor first got sucked into the ether — as he is prone to picking up human trends — I couldn’t understand what he found so fascinating about it. The bloody fool nearly got us all cursed, even! And apparently the ether has viruses; who would’ve known?

NADJA  
But one day, after we saw Gizmo talking to his mother in front of his contraption, we asked him to teach us the arcane magic of communication through the ether...

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(interrupting again)_ I tried to teach them, but they wouldn’t listen to me.

NADJA  
Yes, well, unlike you, Gizmo wasn’t trying to drain us with long-winded explanations that just flew over our heads, or some long-winded history about Skype and Zoom. He was very patient, too.

LASZLO  
Since that day, we’ve been trying to find our vampire friends around the world, but we haven’t had much luck. Perhaps we may have paved the way among vampirekind, as the first to discover the life-changing magic of the ether.

NADJA  
With Gizmo’s help, we were, at least, able to track down Aziraphale and Crowley—

GUILLERMO  
_(in a stage whisper)_ —it’s not like it was _that_ hard; Crowley and I exchanged email addresses…

LASZLO  
—so we have been communicating with Aziraphale and Crowley every now and then.

COLIN ROBINSON  
Same here. We’ve been collaborating to write overly long-winded recipe posts. Aziraphale knows lots of recipes, and he also happens to have plenty of stories behind them, so Crowley and I convinced him to start a recipe blog — Crowley takes care of all the Wordpress stuff for Aziraphale so he doesn’t have to figure it all out.

_COLIN ROBINSON shows the camera his laptop — his browser has their recipe blog displayed._

COLIN ROBINSON (continued)  
That backfired on us, though, since people actually enjoy reading Aziraphale’s stories. I couldn’t feed off any negative energy from his posts, so Crowley and I taken to posting some recipes of my own. Just as planned — I get lots of delicious comments. Let me read a few: 

“A.Z. Fell’s the only decent writer on this blog… smh” 

“ajcrowley also has some decent recipes, but his stories are hit or miss; they could be more concise. travelbug54 though… by god is his writing atrociously painful to read, and don’t get me started on the recipes”

“ok but have y’all thought of maybe taking some writing classes… mr fell prolly just helps you guys out bc he’s way too nice to say no”

“Just following this blog for A.Z. Fell, the only long-winded recipe blog writer I’d read”

NADJA  
That’s nice, Colin Robinson, but enough talking.

LASZLO  
Ahem. Back on topic, so grateful are we to these video calling applications that my good lady wife and I have even written a ditty as a humble tribute! We’ve reworked our hit song, “Cellular Telephone Craze,” to reflect the changing times. Are you ready to hear our masterpiece?

NADJA  
_(excitedly)_ Oh, you all better prepare yourselves — this _is_ a good one! Colin Robinson was gracious and supportive for once; he said that everyone would die to hear it!

 _The two burst into an a cappella song to the tune of “_[ _Cellular Telephone Craze_](https://youtu.be/6LDzBVxCugM?t=140)":

NADJA and LASZLO  
Are you calling from the moon?  
No, I’m calling from my room  
Nyooming all the way on Zoom  
But how can that be? What’s this sorcery?

Are you calling from the sky?  
No, I’m calling you through Skype  
But how can that be? What’s this sorcery?  
Ethernet video call craze!

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(slow clap)_ Bravo… bravo.

NANDOR and GUILLERMO do a very unconvincing job at pretending to clap enthusiastically.

NANDOR  
_(to Guillermo)_ Their old songs were much better; nothing beats “Let’s Do the Disco.”

GUILLERMO  
_(nudges NANDOR)_ Master, I think the camera crew also wants to know how we’re doing. We’re… uh, doing okay, I guess. Ah, no, we’re not dating, and I don’t want to be presumptuous by adding a “yet.” But whatever we are, wherever we are, it’s definitely been a huge step up from the last decade, so that’s… something. Yeah. That counts for something.

NANDOR  
_(flustered)_ ...Thanks to this Zoom thing, I have had the pleasure of talking to Guillermo’s mother. She is a fine woman who has raised her son well. 

Besides that, I have been checking my e-mail messages more often, and Guillermo has been helping me keep the computer healthy, so that it doesn’t get cursed by Bloody Fucking Mary or whoever again, or… invaded?... by vee-ruses.

GUILLERMO  
Infected by viruses, Master.

NANDOR  
_(dismissively)_ Virus, veerus, whatever. I said what I said.

GUILLERMO  
_(quickly changing the topic and addressing the camera crew / viewers)_ Anyway, speaking of Aziraphale and Crowley, you’ve come at the right time. Crowley emailed us a few days ago, asking to arrange a Zoom call — said he wanted to introduce us to some people. That’s exactly why we’re gathered here tonight.

_GUILLERMO sets up his laptop, and beckons for everyone to gather round._

GUILLERMO  
_(sighs)_ I keep telling them that if we’d just get a TV, we wouldn’t have to crowd around my laptop like this, but they have yet to listen to me.

_Signing in to the video-call platform “Zoom,” GUILLERMO enters the meeting room for tonight’s call. A few moments pass, and CROWLEY signs in from the second floor of A.Z. Fell & Co. AZIRAPHALE can be seen sitting next to him. The camera zooms in to focus on…_

**GUILLERMO’S LAPTOP SCREEN**

_Two boxes fill the screen: one with GUILLERMO and his roommates’ faces surrounding him, and another with AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY._

NADJA  
_(waving enthusiastically)_ Crowley! Aziraphale! Dark greetings!

CROWLEY  
‘llo, Nadja and everyone else.

AZIRAPHALE  
Dark greetings to all of you as well! I must admit, I am hopeless at this Zoom thing. I’m ever so grateful to my husband for setting everything up, so that all I have to do is sit by his side and speak.

LASZLO  
It’s the same for us, old chap. Gizmo here takes care of everything.

NANDOR  
Well, Colin Robinson knows how to use the Zoom too, but we all know he’d dawdle before setting it up, so we just let Gizmo handle it.

_COLIN ROBINSON waves in the background._

COLIN ROBINSON  
Wassup wassup, my dudes? It’s me, C-Man! If all goes well, I’ll be seeing you both across the pond next year — still saving up for a trip!

AZIRAPHALE  
Splendid! I’m looking forward to seeing what havoc you shall unleash upon my worst customers.

CROWLEY  
And I’ll teach you a thing or two about demonic mayhem. Moving on, let me get to the reason for tonight’s call. So. Remember when I told you about how the world almost ended?

_Everyone in the Staten Island residence nods._

CROWLEY (continued)  
Well, it’s been a year since the Notpocalypse. The Antichrist still walks among us—his name’s Adam, and he’s quite a nice kid, really. One thing, though: he hasn’t completely lost his reality-warping powers like we all thought. To be fair, not that he knew, either. 

CROWLEY (continued)  
Anyway. His powers resurfaced on his 12th birthday, just recently. We don’t know if this will be a regular thing, but we’ve got Book Girl to keep an eye out for any signs of trouble, and we can always drive to his town to check up on him, so for now, there’s no cause for alarm.

NANDOR  
_(confused)_ If everything is okay-a, what does this have to do with us? We don’t have to look out for bad omens here, do we?

AZIRAPHALE  
No, no, nothing like that. You see, Adam and his parents are vacationing overseas for two-and-a-half weeks to celebrate his birthday. And while on the plane, he watched his favorite film… what was it called again, dear?

CROWLEY  
_Into the Spider-Verse_.

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh yes, thank you. My husband tells me that this film is about a brave young teenager who becomes his city’s new superhero and discovers that there are others like him in parallel dimensions. This, apparently, left Adam wondering whether there were other versions of us in parallel universes. He was so deep in thought about it that he managed to warp reality oncce more.

CROWLEY  
_(heaving an exasperated sigh)  
_ And that’s how _these people_ ended up here. 

_(calls to some people off-screen)  
_Oi! Come in here; I finally got around to setting up a getting-to-know-you meeting!

_Two men who appear to be in their late 30s or early 40s enter the room. Both are wearing crisp suits. One is dark-haired and clad in black, with a red necktie for contrast, while the one with sandy blond hair is wearing a muted gray-brown blazer, a long-sleeved white short, and a bowtie. The dark-haired one has his arm around the light-haired one’s waist._

_These are a CROWLEY and an AZIRAPHALE from another universe. We shall refer to them as RADIO CROWLEY and RADIO AZIRAPHALE. They take their seats next to this universe’s CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE._

_RADIO CROWLEY, who has his arm around RADIO AZIRAPHALE, practically purrs in his rich, deep, silky voice._

RADIO CROWLEY  
Dark greetings, one and all. The name’s Crowley, though you might have already guessed.

_NADJA and LASZLO’s eyes sparkle right upon hearing RADIO CROWLEY’s voice, and they exchange knowing looks._

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
And I’m our universe’s Aziraphale.

AZIRAPHALE  
These fellows showed up at the bookshop’s doorstep a few days ago, and have been staying with us ever since. The day after that happened, another pair showed up, but seeing as it’s already quite crowded here — these two already have the first floor to themselves — they’re staying at Crowley’s flat.

_We see a montage of photos (provided by CROWLEY) of all six AZIRAPHALEs and CROWLEYs chatting, enjoying wine, and so on._

AZIRAPHALE (continued)  
While Adam has been informed of the situation, we’d like for him to enjoy his holiday, so we’ll wait until he returns to get everything sorted out. This is all new to us, but it doesn’t seem like the multiple versions of us being brought together have had any significant or adverse impacts on the universe, the space-time continuum, or whatnot, so until Adam returns, we have decided to play host to all of them. 

Getting together to chat with our counterparts has been tickety-boo. The pair at Crowley’s flat are slightly more mellow — they remind me, quite tremendously, of old couples who, despite having settled into familiar routines, are still evidently in love. 

CROWLEY  
They say that in their universe, they’ve practically been an old married couple for who knows how long. Living in the South Downs now, those two. Great minds truly run parallel — my angel and I have been thinking the same thing, too.

 _(gestures exasperatedly at RADIO AZIRAPHALE and RADIO CROWLEY)  
_ These two, though… they’re so _bloody_ horny!

AZIRAPHALE  
Crowley! Dear boy, I was just about to phrase things more tactfully...

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
We most certainly are not; we don’t go around shagging in public!

CROWLEY  
Maybe you don’t, but in the few days that you’ve been here, how many times have I walked in, or nearly walked in, on you f—

AZIRAPHALE  
—engaging in hanky panky—

CROWLEY  
This isn’t a kids’ show, angel, this is a documentary; we can just say that “fucking.” That’s right, fucking… in nooks and crannies of Aziraphale’s bookshop! You’ve probably desecrated our couch, too!

RADIO CROWLEY  
_(smirks)_ Please. Like you and Aziraphale haven’t done those, too.

CROWLEY  
That’s not the point! You’re okay to talk to, mates, but you horny buggers can’t keep your hands off each other, and it’s getting awkward, no offense.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(clears throat)_ I think we should get on with what we want to say, dear. It looks like our friends over at Staten Island are getting quite confused as to what this has to do with them.

We understand that this Aziraphale-and-Crowley pair is not on the asexuality spectrum like we are, and of course, we respect that. However, as someone who has also walked in on them, ah, going at it a few times, we sat down to talk to them. 

They opted to either switch accommodations with the pair at Crowley’s flat, or to get a hotel — whichever they chose would be a win-win for everyone, as they’d have better privacy, while Crowley and I could get some peace and quiet. 

CROWLEY  
But somehow, it came up in our little convo that these two are swingers—

RADIO CROWLEY  
What can I say? When you’ve been together since the beginning of time, you’ll naturally want to shake things up here and there.

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
And yes, I believe we are what the humans would call “swingers.” It’s all just about the sex — we have quite the appetite for it…

RADIO CROWLEY  
My little hedonist.

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
_(preens)_ Indeed. But only Crowley has had my heart, and he feels the same for me, so we wouldn’t call ourselves polyamorous.

CROWLEY  
_(sighs)_ Will you two just let me finish?

RADIO AZIRAPHALE & CROWLEY  
Sorry.

CROWLEY  
So I thought, “Well, they don’t have to stay in London until Adam returns, do they? Even that other pair — they can all just come back, what, maybe a day before Adam comes back to the UK, and we’ll all drive to Tadfield, or something.” 

Money is no issue for us celestial and occult beings, even retired ones like all of us, so if their presence in this world isn’t fucking reality up, they should be able to go wherever they like.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(addressing the Staten Island residents)_ And that’s how Crowley got the idea of introducing these two to you. Laszlo, I do recall that you so kindly invited us to an orgy. 

Unfortunately, we had to decline, but when we told this pair about you and Nadja, they got quite excited at the prospect of meeting fellow swingers. We were wondering if you would be amenable to a visit from this pair.

LASZLO  
_(rubs hands in glee)_ Oh, we’re more than swingers, my boy; we’re polyamorous!

NADJA  
_(points to RADIO CROWLEY)_ You there. You are another Crowley, you say? Your voice, it is sex incarnate. _(moans)_ I’m already imagining all the fun we’ll have together.

NANDOR  
Oh, great. More kinky perverts. As if Laszlo and Nadja weren’t already enough.

COLIN ROBINSON  
Now, now, Nandor, let’s not kinkshame them. First of all, allow me to explain what “kinkshaming” is…

NANDOR  
Don’t you dare get started on the Zoom, Colin Robinson. I know what “kinkshaming” is, and I was not trying to kinkshame them. I just do not want to see any more Pee-Dee-Ay than I already do on a regular basis. _(rolls eyes)_

COLIN ROBINSON  
Maybe you’re just jealous that you and Guillermo haven’t gotten to that stage yet.

_GUILLERMO sputters._

NANDOR  
Enough already, Colin Robinson! Look, you are making Guillermo uncomfortable!

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
_(laughs)_ Well, aren’t you all an interesting bunch. Crowley was definitely on to something when he said that we’d get along like a house on fire. Do you have a kinky side, too, Mr. Dilbert-looking guy?

COLIN ROBINSON  
Why, yes I do — you can find out for yourself when you come on over.

CROWLEY  
_(mouths to AZIRAPHALE)_ Angel, I can’t believe there’s a version of you out there that’s familiar with pop culture! 

AZIRAPHALE  
So! It looks like this little introductory session has gone well. Does that settle it, then?

NADJA  
_Ffffuck, yessss!_ The Bi-Annual Vampire Orgy that we were chosen to host may have flopped — thanks to _a certain someone_ … 

_NADJA glares daggers at LASZLO, their disgrace after their failed orgy still being a sore point for her._

NADJA (continued, in an even more impassioned tone)  
...but we shall more than make up for it this time! Forget waiting around for the Bi-Annual Vampire Orgy Committee to choose us again. Actions speak louder than words — let’s just host a bombastic orgy to prove to the Committee that we know how to put on a show!

GUILLERMO  
Uh… are you sure it’d be a good idea to host an orgy right now…?

LASZLO  
Look, Gizmo, if you’re jealous, you and Nandor can go hole up together and do whatever you like. Nandor doesn’t have to join if he doesn’t want to.

NANDOR  
I would be happy to chat with the other Aziraphale and Crowley, but the orgy? No thank you.

GUILLERMO  
That’s not why I’m worried about the idea…

_NADJA cuts GUILLERMO off quickly._

NADJA  
Don’t worry, Guillermo! If you’re worried about having to run around and test dildos or whatever again, we’re letting you off the hook this time. That settles it — other-Aziraphale and other-Crowley, it would be our pleasure to host you! We may not have a sex dungeon, but I assure you, we know how to have a good time!

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
We haven’t had any contact with our world’s vampire community. It’ll be our first time knowing vampires in every sense of the word, if you know what I mean...

RADIO CROWLEY  
_(winks)_ And I’d be more than happy to help test out those dildos, darling.

**TITLE CARD: A WEEK LATER**

**INT. STATEN ISLAND RESIDENCE — NIGHT**

_Over-the-top, colorful decor adorns the foyer of the Staten Island residence._

NADJA  
_(flitting about)_ Welcome, welcome! We’re all very excited for this grand orgy; we’re just putting the finishing touches. It won’t be long before guests start streaming in.

LASZLO  
As you can see, our humble abode is all decked out for this momentous occasion. Tonight will be a milestone in vampire history, for it is the first-ever vampire orgy with an angel and a demon as our special guests!

COLIN ROBINSON  
And not just any angel and demon; an incredibly horny and kinky angel and a demon from another universe, at that.

NADJA  
See that you don’t tell the other guests that this Aziraphale and this Crowley are from another universe, Colin Robinson; we don’t want to blow their minds too much.

_COLIN ROBINSON shuffles away as he adjusts his outfit for the orgy._

NADJA  
_(proudly)_ Vampires from all over the world will be gracing our home tonight! I can’t wait for some hot passionate lovemaking with this Crowley, but truth be told, I’m also excited to see some of my lady friends. Among others, we’re expecting a pair of lesbian _manananggals_ from the Philippines and their _kuntilanak_ friend from Indonesia. It’s a shame Lady Dimitrescu couldn’t join us, but Carmilla might be able to make it.

LASZLO  
We even have a technologically savvy vampire friend coming over; he says he wants to stream — whatever that means — tonight’s proceedings to some vampire-only site on the ether called OnlyFangs. He is but a young vampire, so he’s very familiar with how the ether works. 

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
Tonight is certainly going to be memorable for us, too. 

RADIO CROWLEY  
Let’s just say… thank Someone we don’t have refractory periods.

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
_(coquettishly)_ Although, I might not be able to walk properly after tonight...

RADIO CROWLEY  
Oh, really, angel, if you want to be bridal-carried, you just have to say so.

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
_(to the camera)_ We really have to thank Aziraphale and Crowley for introducing us to their vampire friends. Yes, we’re looking forward to the orgy, but we’re glad to have hit it off well with the vampires here. Laszlo and I both share an inclination for the arts.

RADIO CROWLEY  
I also made it a point to talk to Nandor and Guillermo. As a familiar, Guillermo apparently cannot join the orgy, but even though he had Nandor’s permission, he simply wasn’t interested. Nandor, too, was largely uninterested — he said that he’d become more asexual over the years. 

_They hear a knock on the door._

NADJA  
Everyone!!! The orgy is about to begin!

  
  


**TITLE CARD: A NIGHT AFTER THE ORGY**

**INT. FANCY ROOM — NIGHT**

_Everyone in the Staten Island residence is gathered in the fancy room for a Zoom call with AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY. RADIO CROWLEY, RADIO AZIRAPHALE, NADJA, LASZLO, and COLIN ROBINSON still look spent; they’re still reeling from the events of the previous night. NANDOR is muttering something about “annoying kinky perverts.”_

GUILLERMO  
_(sighs in deep frustration)_ That’s why I kept telling you that it wasn’t a good idea to hold a grand orgy, but did any of you listen? You didn’t even back me up, Master! 

Nadja, Laszlo, Colin, if it were just you three plus Aziraphale and Crowley, it wouldn’t have been a problem, but nooooo, you just had to throw a party and possibly attract the attention of the Vampiric Council. You’re supposed to try not to get on their radar, remember? 

But with you inviting vampire guests, not just from Staten Island — _but also from all over the world!!!_ , the chance of at least one of them having Vampiric Council connections is even higher. What were you thinking?! Is reclaiming your pride more important than your safety?!

NANDOR  
What’s a radar…? Not you, Colin Robinson; I’m not asking you.

GUILLERMO  
I’ll explain later, Master; let’s not derail the conversation here.

_NADJA, LASZLO, and COLIN ROBINSON hang their heads in shame._

CROWLEY  
Well, damn. Had absolutely no idea that you had the Vampiric Council on your trail. Nadja, why didn’t you tell me?

NADJA  
I didn’t want to worry you and ruin your holiday. We survived an… ah, incident, thanks to Guillermo’s help, and things had been quiet since then. 

LASZLO  
That’s right. The Vampiric Council is preoccupied with way too many other matters, and they’re easily distracted, so we figured that we didn’t need to tell you.

_From GUILLERMO’s laptop screen, we see AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY. CROWLEY sighs and facepalms._

AZIRAPHALE  
_(fretfully)_ Oh dear. Did we make a mistake, introducing all of you to our rather ravenous counterparts?

NANDOR  
It is not your fault; do not worry. You did not know; that is all. Nadja and Laszlo got careless, and I also should not have downplayed Guillermo’s concerns.

CROWLEY  
Nadja, next time, don’t hesitate to share info like that with us — would’ve made all the difference. While we can’t risk having Aziraphale bless you, we might’ve been able to help. 

_RADIO AZIRAPHALE and RADIO CROWLEY are seemingly lost in their own world. Both looking deep in thought, with serious expressions on their faces, they look like they’re coming up with a plan. They seem to reach a eureka moment._

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
We wouldn’t have agreed to a huge public orgy — we would’ve been fine with just you, you know — had we known you were on the run from vampire authorities. Of course, we have no regrets, but since our presence has, in a way, caused some trouble and put you at risk, the least we can do is help.

I’ve had no problems sending blessings Crowley’s way, but I’ve heard that vampires are far more sensitive to the holy. My Crowley has an idea, though.

RADIO CROWLEY  
Infernal Affairs still owes me one. I could just make my way Down There and pull some strings to get you all a Hellhound.

CROWLEY  
What?! You and Hell are still on civil terms?

RADIO CROWLEY  
I told you; our respective sides didn’t sentence us to discorporation after the world didn’t end. We simply told them we were done working for them, and they agreed to leave us alone.

AZIRAPHALE  
But can you really just breeze your way into Hell like that?  
  
RADIO CROWLEY  
_(with all the confidence in the world)_ Oh, absolutely!

_With a snap of his fingers, RADIO CROWLEY suavely shows his Hell employee ID._

RADIO CROWLEY  
_(continued)_ The perks of being Satan’s star employee, darlings — access to all of Hell’s offices. A perk I still enjoy to this day, mind you. No fine print, so I’m perfectly sure I can access your universe’s Hell.

_NADJA is starry-eyed at how cool and sexy RADIO CROWLEY is. Not jealous at all, LASZLO is awestruck, too. CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE have their mouths wide open in shock; they look like their jaws are about to drop._

CROWLEY  
...damn. Aren’t you bastards lucky.

RADIO CROWLEY  
And I have access to Hell’s gym, too.

CROWLEY  
Okay, now you’re either rubbing it in, or bullshitting me. This version of Hell doesn’t have a gym, at least none that I’m aware of. Why would you even need to work out, anyway?

RADIO CROWLEY  
Shame you can’t visit my universe to check it out for yourself. But I digress. If your world is anything like ours, Hell has an entrance in Manhattan — some glitzy skyscraper in Wall Street. I just need to get there; I’m fairly certain I can obtain a hellhound. Shouldn’t take me too long.

CROWLEY  
Can I just ask one thing, if/when you manage to get a hellhound?

RADIO CROWLEY  
What is it?

CROWLEY  
Can you have us on Zoom while you’re doing the naming? Never got to see Adam name his hellhound; it’s something I’ve always wanted to see.

RADIO CROWLEY  
Of course.

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
Be careful, dear.

RADIO CROWLEY  
_(kisses RADIO AZIRAPHALE’s cheek)_ Of course I will.

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
At least take me with you to the portal. If you get into trouble, you’ll need backup. You know I wouldn’t hesitate to go down there for you.

RADIO CROWLEY  
I’m confident it won’t be any trouble, but definitely, let’s head to Wall Street together. And in the off-chance that anything goes wrong, you can swoop in like the knight in shining armor you are.

COLIN ROBINSON  
_(looking away from the display of sappiness)_...I haven’t even met that third Aziraphale-Crowley pair yet, but it seems to be a truth universally acknowledged that any Aziraphale-Crowley pair, no matter how sexual or asexual, is bound to be overflowing with love for each other.

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
There was that one odd pair, though…

RADIO CROWLEY  
Don’t even remind me of that version of me. Such a far cry from myself — a real fuckboy, that one. But, whatever. We pretend that Crowley doesn’t exist.

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
...ah, but that universe’s me could use a pep talk and a hug, though.

_The Staten Island residents, RADIO AZIRAPHALE, RADIO CROWLEY, AZIRAPHALE, and CROWLEY continue chatting._  
  


**TITLE CARD: A FEW DAYS LATER**

**INT. FANCY ROOM — NIGHT**

_With RADIO AZIRAPHALE by his side, RADIO CROWLEY dramatically bursts into the fancy room with a dog carrier. The creature inside makes menacing growling noises like that of an aggressive dog, but otherwise, its features cannot be seen. To an ordinary human, it would even appear as if there were just nothing but a strange, ominous black mass inside._

_All the Staten Island residents have already huddled in the room, and Guillermo’s laptop has already been set up and positioned so that AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY can also witness the naming._

_RADIO CROWLEY sets the carrier down._

RADIO CROWLEY  
Told you it’d just be a breeze. The receptionist demon just went, “Who in blazes are you?” One flash of my all-access pass, and they let me in. Ol’ Beelz couldn’t believe zir eyes — zey got quite the shock to know that there was another Crowley somewhere out there. Started rambling shit like “must be yet another sign that we really should just leave Aziraphale and Crowley alone.” So! Shall we begin?

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
_(to the camera)_ You can think of this as a ceremony of sorts. We’ve already briefed our friends here about what to do, but allow me to explain for our viewers’ benefit. 

You see, for hellhounds to walk the Earth, they have to be named to define their purpose and characteristics — not only their personality, but also their appearance. That’s why, even if you were to look into the cage, you wouldn’t be able to see a thing.

RADIO CROWLEY  
So, I hope you’ve thought long and hard about what to name your hellhound.

LASZLO  
Yes, we have done some deliberating, and we came up with a list of traits that we’d like to see in our hellhound.

COLIN ROBINSON  
And we’ve decided that Nandor will be the one to say those traits out loud and pick the hellhound’s name.

NADJA  
He has always been an animal lover, after all. And back when he was human, many would say that he had more affinity for animals than for people.

RADIO CROWLEY  
So, Nandor, care to do the honors?

NANDOR  
Yes, I already have a name prepared. I am ready to begin. Guillermo will help me out as well, as I have consulted with him on this matter.

_NANDOR has a piece of paper in his hand, which he checks for good measure._

NANDOR  
Of course, we would like our hellhound to be faithful — and I mean incredibly loyal and devoted. They must be intelligent, as well as brave and competent enough to protect us from threats, be it the Vampiric Council or vampire hunters that are not Guillermo. 

We would also prefer that our hellhound not stick out too much, so we do not want a hellhound that is overly aggressive. Mild-mannered and friendly most of the time, but ready to strike when threats arise — that’s our ideal hellhound.

These are all traits that Guillermo has, so I, at first, thought of naming this hellhound “Guillermo” in his honor.

 _GUILLERMO looks flattered and honored._

NANDOR _(continued)_  
But after talking with him, we agreed that it would be confusing to have two Guillermos in this dwelling.

GUILLERMO  
And so, I suggested that we name this hellhound “Gizmo,” a nickname that everyone else in this household but Nandor has given me, because they had a hard time remembering my name. “Gizmo” also means — and I quote the dictionary here — “a small object or machine that is designed for a particular purpose,” so the name would be a reference to both myself and something handy.

NANDOR  
This is not completely related to the hellhound naming, but this will also be a way for Guillermo to shake off a nickname that he never really agreed to in the first place. These last few months, I have learned that Guillermo’s family calls him “Memo,” while some friends call him “Gigi,” never “Gizmo.” 

So, Nadja, you can remember Guillermo’s name now. That’s good. But Laszlo and Colin Robinson, now that our hellhound will be named Gizmo, you will have to stop calling Guillermo that. We’ve met vampires with longer, harder-to-pronounce names, so there is no excuse not to remember his name.

_LASZLO and COLIN ROBINSON can’t really argue with Nandor’s words, so they nod._

NANDOR  
That is all. We would like to see the hellhound now.

_RADIO CROWLEY opens the carrier, as everyone, including AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY, looks on in suspense and excitement. Soon, a friendly-looking brown pitbull trots happily out of the carrier._

GUILLERMO  
Aww…

NANDOR  
Welcome to our household, Gizmo. We’ve been looking forward to having you.

_Everyone introduces themselves to GIZMO and gives the good dog some well-deserved pats and strokes. As the Staten Island folks fawn over GIZMO, RADIO CROWLEY and RADIO AZIRAPHALE focus their attention on Zoom, where AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY are still watching things unfold._

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
All’s well that ends well.

RADIO CROWLEY  
Indeed.

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
We’ll be staying here for a few more days — turns out we _do_ need to recover after all.

RADIO CROWLEY  
Whoo-e, that orgy was really… _something_.

AZIRAPHALE  
Please spare us the details.

RADIO AZIRAPHALE  
Of course, of course. As I was saying, we’ll stay a bit longer here, then we’ll head back to London. There isn’t enough time for us to go globetrotting. Besides, your world isn’t very different from ours.

CROWLEY  
When you get back here, Adam’s definitely gonna have lots of questions for you. Very curious kid, that one — _(to the camera)_ that was considered a very demonic quality back in the day; I should know. 

_(back to RADIO AZIRAPHALE and RADIO CROWLEY)_ Just don’t tell him you met these vampires. ‘Course, I trust you won’t tell him about your sexcapades, but I don’t think we should introduce him to the vampire community until he’s at least 18.

NADJA _(overhearing the conversation)  
_That’s a shame; we would be honored to make his acquaintance.

AZIRAPHALE  
Apologies, Nadja, but that wouldn’t be a very good idea. He’s still a 12-year-old boy, and you’re all very candid and open about your lifestyle... 

CROWLEY  
Maybe if you could keep things child-friendly, but nah, not happening. When was the last time you interacted with children anyway?

COLIN ROBINSON  
Well, these three think that 90 is still quite young in human years, so clearly, a long time back…

CROWLEY  
There you have it. You already have Gizmo the hellhound anyway, so just enjoy his company, yeah? He looks like a nice proper helly-hound.

_Cut to NANDOR, who is in the background, his attention away from the Zoom call, instead enthusiastically playing with GIZMO. He’s cooing at the pitbull-like hellhound as if it were a baby — his (and GUILLERMO’s) baby. The hellhound, in turn, is very affectionate toward NANDOR and his namesake GUILLERMO._

_Cut back to NADJA, LASZLO, and COLIN ROBINSON, who are still with AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY on the Zoom call. Widen frame to show RADIO AZIRAPHALE and RADIO CROWLEY talking inaudibly about their plans for the next day._

_Fade out._

* * *

“And that’s a wrap for today! Great job, everyone!”

Now that the sun was up and the vampires — save for Colin, who was headed for work — were fast asleep, the crew prepared to head out to celebrate with some day drinking, when a tall woman approached them. Bearing a resemblance to the actress Frances McDormand, she had a strikingly ethereal aura to her.

“Whoa, it’s the boss!”

“Hey Chief! Had no idea you’d be dropping by!”

She handed the crew their paychecks in envelopes. “As always, thank you for doing a fantastic job. You’re literally doing the Lord’s work. It’s important to get to know all your creations, but when some of them can’t even say your name without combusting, how else are you supposed to learn about what their lives are like?” 

The crew just humored their boss. She was a bit eccentric, and some of her ramblings didn’t really make sense, but they’d met weirder people, like the American vampire community. She talked as if she were a celestial being, maybe even God… but she couldn’t be, could she…?

In any case, she paid well — the hazard pay was nothing to sneeze at — and if any of them ever got harmed, or worse, eaten, by a vampire, all they had to do was tell her, and things would be right as rain.

“Small world, isn’t it?” the woman remarked. “You have no idea how happy I am to know that these vampires are friends with my favorite children — about time those two got married. Agnes and I, we’ve been shipping them for goodness knows how long. Perhaps I should show this documentary to the Archangels; they could use a lesson or two in inclusivity and acceptance. Oh, but I’ve rambled too much; pardon me.” 

“No worries, boss. Nice to know all the work we’ve poured into this documentary doesn’t go unappreciated. Sure would be nice if we could win some awards for this show, though.”

“Let’s hope the humans running those awards bodies finally see the value in what you do. But that’s a conversation for another time. Brunch is on me today. Shall we?”

“You’re the best, boss!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s a wrap for “What We Did to Celebrate the Rest of Our Lives”! I can’t believe that what started out as a crack idea back in August last year has become my longest fic ever. I normally shy away from multi-chapter fics because real life makes me unable to commit to them, but somehow I managed with this fic. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has supported this fic to the very end, and to those who have stuck through and so kindly left comments on multiple (or all) chapters — I really appreciate it! I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting for months in between chapters.
> 
> As for our Staten Island residents getting a hellhound, this is a plot point that was teased at some panels last year (SDCC, I think?). I just had to write that bit into my fic! 
> 
> I’m more of a cat person (though I like dogs too), so I asked my dog-loving friends for a breed that had the qualities that I was looking for. And while they helpfully gave me several options, I remembered that pit bulls are often misunderstood and maligned, so I thought of making Gizmo the hellhound look like a pit bull!


End file.
